Fields of Joy

There aren't enough words to describe how I feel being done with my 4th and last chemo treatment. When we left the appointment on Tuesday, I couldn't stop singing Fields of Joy by Lenny Kravitz. Hours later Clay was annoyed when he found himself humming it as well...it's a really good ear-worm!! There were also some major tears of joy involved, as well. I became very "verklempt" saying good-bye to all of my lovely nurses who took such amazing care of me during the last few weeks. The treatment itself went very smoothly and was over quickly.

Clay R.N. administered my last Neulasta shot between ILLINI victories, Football & Basketball!

I have been given a script for Tamoxifen and will be on that for a minimum of 5 years...will start in 2 weeks.

On Monday night Mike Scariano (our college friend) and his two girls Madi & Morgan came for a visit. This proved to be a great distraction for me the night before my last treatment. Mike & Clay celebrated with their old friend Jack Daniels and then next thing you know the head shaver is out, again. Mike, inspired by the photos from the head shavings, felt the inspiration of the moment and shaved down to a #1 along with Clay who needed some touching up! I was touched!

It was a fun night for us and the girls were great head shaver/helpers!! Looking forward to the start of a new year. Bring it on 2011!

Merry Christmas to all...

I hope you enjoyed a Merry Christmas today! I have had little to report as things have been status quo...isn't that a gift in itself. We have been very busy preparing for the big day today and very happy to have Clay return home from his week long work/adventure in Mumbai. We are gearing up for Tuesday for the fourth and final treatment. Hooray! May God bless you and your family in 2011!

Almost there...

Happy to report that third chemo was totally uneventful. Isn't that nice? I will be the lucky recipient of a Clay administered Neulasta shot tomorrow night to help me with my white blood cell count. I was pimping him that he should be called Clay R.N. - Do you remember Greg R.N. from "Meet the Parents" - What a great movie...love the circle of trust! Can't wait to see the next one "Little Fockers" ! This shot is longer lasting than the one I got last time and should keep me from dipping so low which will help prevent infection and I will not need to go in for any blood counts. 21 days and counting until my last treatment...yeah!

I have been as busy as a friggin' bee leading up to this treatment. I think it's a function of me knowing that I am "going down" for a few days. On Friday night I took Grace to Miracle on State St. and we saw Ingrid Michaelson & Maroon 5. I asked Grace to dress me and pick out my scarf...trying to not embarrass her yet I thinking my singing and dancing did just that! What a great show, a fun night and a perfect 1st concert experience for her. I also enjoyed Adam Levine immensely, I'm not usually a "skinny jeans on a guy" type but his voice...it's like buttah!

Another first happened this weekend and the girls got to go to their first Blackhawks game. They were so impressed and engaged. Clay & I loved seeing the birth of Hockey fans. Not that they weren't before, it's just that the United Center experience can really seal the deal! We were a little dismayed by Patrick Kane getting injured but were able to overcome our angst by the 4 goals scored by the Hawks. And to make the night even better the Hafners were on the Jumbo Tron - The kids were so excited and Jane kept asking when we were going to be on the big t.v. again. I was, of course, totally laughing that of all the damn times for me to be on that huge thing is with my red bandana on! At least I was up and dancing and having fun! :)

It is with sharper focus and joy that I hold onto these moments a little longer and treasure them so much. I had my 38th birthday yesterday. Once I had kids, I haven't cared about my birthday so much but this one I cherished. I am happy to be having another one and will welcome any that come my way.

The Season of Thanks

I went for my blood counts this morning and once again they were very low. The nurse consulted with Dr. Sweet who agreed I needed a shot of Nupogen. This is a white blood cell booster and should help me immediately. I will go back on Thursday for another count and possibly another shot. This should keep me on track for my third and fourth treatments. After the next round on 12/7, I may go back into the office for a shot of Neulasta which is a longer lasting type of white cell booster. All of this is to prevent infection which is very hard to overcome when you don't have many white blood cells!

I also got the news from the geneticist that I am not a carrier of the BRAC 1 or 2 gene. This is great news. My breast cancer was a random act of cell division! Yeah, I guess!

I am no longer bald. I have grown lots of little white hairs that resemble peach fuzz. I am just so excited to have something on my head that can create a nice lather in the shower. I am pretty sure this will all fall out again maybe when I start growing real hair after treatment #4!

For the most part I am feeling good. I have 2-3 really tired days after treatment and then I am back to life and being a busy mom!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving last week. Here is a short list of a few things I am thankful for:

*Endorphins. I had my first run last week. I did it! It wasn't all that bad either. I did get to experience a little "runner's high" that I've been missing. It's crazy that the body can totally heal in 8 weeks!

*Massage. I had my first massage, yes I even laid on my stomach. Clay & I celebrated our 13th anniversary on the 29th and went to the Kohler Waters Spa in Burr Ridge and dinner at Topaz. What a perfect way to spend our anniversary!! I loved every second of it. For those locals, The Kohler spa is one of the best spas I've been to!! (Montage, Laguna Beach is #1).

*Zumba. Jen is the perfect antidote to my chemo. I love being there. I have been back for a month and it is awesome. Loved the Cee Lo/Glee song :)

*Laughter. We laughed so freakin' hard at Thanksgiving during our annual 7-11 game. I thought isn't this the medicine there is!!

*Santa's elves: Lisa, Melinda, Jean & Kelly showed up to decorate my house for Christmas on Saturday. Can you even fathom how awesome this was for me. Clay got the decorations down from the attic and these magical elves decorated my whole house, the tree, the outside, brought wreaths, cookies, candy etc. Can't imagine a better gift you could give.

There is so much more to be thankful for but I'm saving up for my post-chemo tear jerker blog!!

Thanks for reading :) Only 25 days until Christmas...

Half way there...

I finished my second round of chemo yesterday and am now half way done. So far so good. I had a little episode during the taxotere drip, which is very common in the first or second treatment. Basically I couldn't breathe and my chest felt tight and my face was red. I mumbled...get..Linda (my nurse) and then started ringing my bell for help. Another nurse saw me first and ran on over. She stopped the taxotere and I took saline for 20 more minutes then the restarted the taxotere and I was fine. What the, what the? That was scary but I felt fine very quickly afterwards. Just when you think you know what to expect - surprise! I will go in 10 days to have my white blood cell count and if needed will be given a shot of neulasta to help build up my white blood cells. I am scheduled to go in on Dec. 7. for my third treatment.

"I am having a No hair day" this is the latest t-shirt Grace wants to buy for me and it couldn't be any more true! So, I was down to a #1 blade on Sunday night looking like a mottled sick cat on Monday. The girls came home from school and I was modeling a beautiful scarf my husband surprised me with. When I took the scarf off, they were pretty grossed out. Grace said, "Mom you need to shave. I'll even do it for you." Isn't that love? Clay was working late and wasn't there to do it so instead of shaving, the girls got the idea to "lint roll" my head. They were taking so much hair off with each roll I knew a shave was in my future. They took turns beautifully and would request a "clean"sheet with the pass of the roller. After about 6-8 sheets of tape, I showered and was literally rubbing the hair off my scalp. With perfect timing, Clay came home and shaved what was left, with no guard on and then got the mach3 blade out and shaved me bald. He comment that not many men get to do this, he is in a small but very respected group of men right now. So totally bald...think it would be sad, freaky, gross? Actually I was so happy to get rid of all the hair, it was hurting, looked terrible and came as a total relief! Bring on the hats & scarves!

I picked Jane up from Kindergarten yesterday and she gets in the car and says "Please don't take your hat off." I told her, "Of course I wouldn't. I would scar so many children, mine included." I intend to have a covered bald head until mid-February when I may be looking like a chia pet! Won't that be exciting! For now it's fun gathering a wardrobe of scarves and bandanas. My hardest situation was for working out. Don't think I want to wear a sweaty scarf so I asked clay about an under armour skull cap like the football players wear. He laughed and asked if I'd be wear breathe-rights too! I got one and it doesn't look so bad underneath a baseball cap but alone it looks like a swim cap. Bet the Zumba girls would love to see me in a swim cap dancing all crazy. So there are my options!

Thanks to all who have been praying, it is helping and I am feeling good and anxious to get to the finish line that will be here quicker than we think!!

Well THAT was short-lived.

You couldn't imagine the changes from Thursday night until Sunday night. My #3 shave was failing me. There was hair everywhere. On my coat, on my shirt, the couch etc. "Master Clipper" Clay took me down to a #1 shave which is what he is sporting. First of all....wow is that short! Second, after my shower I wasn't even a #1 anymore, more like a #.5 scattered with #1 and a little skin. Imagine a globe if you will, Chloe will love this since she was just studying world geography, that is now my head. There are bald spots like the oceans and the patches of hair here and there are the continents. I think I'll quiz the girls tonight :) So it is on! Big time! Time to wear the hats 24/7. I slept in my "sleeping cap" last night and have to say it kept my noggin nice and toasty and also collected a boat load of hair while I slept. More bang for my buck: Sleep cap/hair collector. I am just hoping the paparazzi will not photograph me through the windows because I plan on hanging out at home...bald and proud! Enter at your own risk :)

I got the following from a family friend, thanks Mrs. Bach! I shared it with my girls and they all got a kick out of it and have repeated it to me! I want to share it with you:

Attitude

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror,

and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

'Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my hair today.'

So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror

and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

'H-M-M,' she said, 'I think I'll part my hair down the middle today.'

So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed

that she had only one hair on her head.

'Well,' she said, 'today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.'

So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and

noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

'YAY!' she exclaimed. 'I don't have to fix my hair today!'

Attitude is everything.

Who needs hair anyway?

You'll see the new buzz cut on the slideshow to the right. As predicted with great accuracy, on day 14, I started losing my hair. If I wasn't so utterly fascinated by it, I would have been freaked out. I was able to grab small and large amounts and literally remove them from my head. In fact, I believe I freaked a few people out with my new "party trick". After two days of this and some really gross shower episodes, I knew the shave was imminent! Lucky for me, Clay, my younger brother Jim & Dad all shaved with me. I went first and Clay shaved me to a #3, then he went next and shaved to a #1 and then Jim went bad ass bald. First shaved to the scalp and then with shaving cream a razor! My Dad was so inspired by Jim that my mom shaved him as well! We think he looks like Bryan Cranston from Breaking Bad. This is only a problem if my Dad starts cooking meth in the basement :) I told Jim he needs to play this "shaved to support my sister who has breast cancer" card and pick up some chicks!! It was a really liberating feeling to be freed from hair that was falling out. I explained to the girls that this is a good sign that the medicine is working hard in my body. Quite honestly I'd be worried if it didn't fall out! They seem to have adjusted well and can be found rubbing my head throughout the day! Maybe it'll bring them good luck, like a buddha. I'm scheduled for Round 2 (ding ding) on Tuesday.

Wigs & fun!

I tried on wigs this week. Yes, I did. I have been unsure how I want to handle the hair loss and have hemmed and hawed about actually doing it. I literally pulled into the parking lot on a total whim. I was with my mom and the girls and I thought let's just see what is out there. It is a nice shop with lots of hats, scarves and wigs. I was able to get a consult and the 5 of us piled into a room where a nice lady brought me wigs and tried them on me. There were laughs a plenty and some pretty cute styles and some 70's farrah styles. I bought a sleeping cap (Clay in his 'kercheif and I in my "cap") ha ha! I can't seem to get that out of my head. I guess your head gets cold when there isn't a lot of hair on it so you sleep with this little cap...interesting. I am in limbo a bit and want to be as prepared as possible for the hair coming out. I am at day 10 and anytime between day 14 & 21 or after my 2nd treatment, it's a probability. As soon as it starts coming out, I am going to shave to a #3 and then I'll be making wig decisions. For my college friends, it must seem a no-brainer for me to sport some baseball caps as I wore one for most of my U of I/Kam's career! Maybe that was just foreshadowing :) So I have a lot of caps ready for some action. I have no idea how I will feel when the time does come.

Thursday I went to have my cording massaged away. I was warned that this may be unpleasant and unpleasant it was. I have NEVER experienced pain like this (hello, epidurals!) my goodness, I was gritting my teeth and kicking my feet. Who knew that scar tissue in your armpit could cause such a fuss. I bet skinning me with a razor blade would've been more pleasant. OK, maybe not. The bummer is I can't even tell if it helped because I am so sore today. I was having decent range of motion and now I feel like I took two steps backwards. Boo Hoo, I am bummed and the worst is, I may have to go back for more ancient Chinese torture next week. I may have to Valium up for that trip!!

Had a check in at the Oncologists today and found out that my blood counts are low. While they didn't do anything because I am setting my "baseline", they may give me some medicine to help the white blood cells rebound quicker next time. Hopefully by my next treatment the numbers will be up so I can actually get treatment!

On a final and funny note...I took a bath this week. My back has been hurting. I thought it was just because my implants were heavier than my old ones but I found out I have "Wounded wing syndrome". I am over using my shoulders and arms to protect my chest. This causes tension and pain in the upper back and neck. Anyway, I am soaking in the tub and Chloe comes in and asks, "When are you gonna get your circles put on?" I explained that they were actually called pepperonis and then we both laughed. Then I told her the truth and that sometime after chemo I'd have nipples made and aereolas tattooed on so that I'd look as close to normal as possible. She then said, "Don't get pointy nipples". Good advice Chloe, I will not get pointy nipples!

BOObs

Happy Halloween! My title: "BOObs" is the best I could do wrapping in the holiday and my current situation. Hope it works for you. I laughed, but I laugh at pretty much anything. This morning, we (Grace, Chloe, Jane & I) tried to get Clay to watch iCarly. This is THE only kid's show that does not throw me into fits of rage. Most Disney/Nickelodeon shows are so mundane they literally drive parents crazy! So, iCarly, on more than one occasion, has made me laugh and I don't grab the remote and turn it off immediately. So in our world where "family" means sitting in front of the TV, we gathered to watch iCarly. Mind you, I watched this episode last night and yet here I am laughing out loud and Clay thinks I have gone mad. I really do have the sense of humor of a 12 year old. It was the new episode where Jane Lynch (Sue Sylvester to the Gleeks out there) portrays Sam's mom, Pam. Very funny stuff. It is one of the few shows that I am not squirming in my seat because of inappropriateness. The Office, Glee, Outsourced etc. are just not all that kid friendly and Clay and I are continually "clearing our throats" over the sex talk!!

Entertainment Weekly, I am not so let's talk chemo: I had the first treatment on Tuesday and much to my surprise, I handled it pretty well. My imagination surely got the best of me here. I was so worried and it was for naught! I had little symptoms throughout the week, a headache here, tiredness there, some stomach issues to only further my comedic episodes in the bathroom. Overall though, Chemo was not as big as I had built it up to be. Thanks to Laura who commented on the blog, you really calmed me the day before chemo! Isn't it great that a friend of a friend, can lend her support even though we don't know each other. Thank you!!

I have 2 more weeks until my next round. I'll be creeping in the hair loss zone soon.

Happy Trick-or-Treating to all of the ghosts and goblins and to the moms who steal Milky Ways from their kids when they are not looking.....

1/4 of the way there...1 down, 3 to go!!

I had my first treatment today. I must admit yesterday was harder than today. For those who called and left messages yesterday, sorry I didn't answer or reply. I had a super busy weekend (on purpose) and it got the best of me. We went to the Bears game on Sunday...if it could even be called that and it really kicked the shit out of me. I was so tired and out of sorts on Monday morning and was beaten down by anticipation so I just didn't feel like talking, I know...surprise, surprise! Thank you all for reaching out to me, I could feel the support and that made today all the better! I tolerated all the drugs they gave me and it was so much less dramatic than I anticipated. Thanks to the entertainment chairman, Clay, for providing me with lots of distractions. I had to turn off "The Hangover" that we were watching on Clay's iPad, in fear that we were laughing too loud/too much. I bet the nurses liked that!

I have started a little headache and popped some motrin but feel relatively decent. I am waiting for the other foot to drop as days 2 & 3 are the hardest. I plan on taking it slow, reading and getting caught up on Friday Night Lights which we are 1/2 way through. Love that show!! The girls keep reporting to me on my "green status" Either I am turning into an Ogre or I just started the side effects of chemo.

Love to you all! Snuggle with your babies/spouses/significant others and tell them how much you love them. Right now!!

Cheese fries in paradise

I had two follow-up appointments this week. First we saw Dr. Winchester the breast surgeon on Tuesday. All is good. He was very pleased with the surgery and with the pathology. My biggest complaint for him was that I have this "tendon" coming out of my armpit down towards my elbow, it sticks out, it hurts and it is limiting my range of motion. I, of course, had to scour the internet for answers. I think a lot of jilted, unhappy patients post on the internet and I got scared out of my mind. Readings things like: you'll have this forever, may even need more surgery, pain, pain and more pain. Where are all the happy people? Dr. Winchester explained that it is "cording" and will go away with time. This is where my lymph nodes were taken out and my body is just reacting this way...kind of like scar tissue. Great! I like that answer far better then the others I saw! I will see him in 6 months and then once a year probably for awhile.

Last night we took the whole clan up to Kenilworth for a trip to Homer's and the plastic surgeon's...isn't that what all families do on their outings? First, I will rave about Homer's. Sure the ice cream is delicious, that's a given...let's talk about the less infamous cheese fries. They are "old school" using a Merkt's type cheese that is thick, tangy and delightful (none of this stadium nacho cheese for my fries). Clay & I were reminiscing about Doc J's cheese fries down at U of I!! So, I almost passed on real food and just had the fries. This will, of course, end in more trips to the plastic surgeon's...ha! The appointment was good with Dr. Fenner as well. He took out a majority my stitches and gave me some silicone strips to cover the scars to help healing. He said wearing a bra 24/7 is "really helping" the shaping, I feel like I'm in under wire prison but am willing to do the time!! I asked him about my cording and he recommended a lymphatic massage to loosen it up...love a doctor who writes a prescription for a massage!! Sign me up!

Countdown to chemo...5 days!! Check out the new do...

Tour de Chemo

Wednesday afternoon Clay & I visited the office of Hinsdale Hematology and Oncology. It is 7 minutes from our house and we were overjoyed to be so close! We spent an hour with a very nice nurse who basically walked us through the entire process of chemo and what I will go through at each appointment. The problem is that every person reacts so differently to chemo that everything she said was qualified with a maybe or maybe not. I will just assume "yes" to all of the common questions: tried? sick? hair loss? etc... and be happy if I pass on one from the buffet of side effects! The first treatment is scheduled for Tuesday, October 26th and this will set the baseline for the following three treatments. They want to see how quick I recover and how sick I feel and then will react in the subsequent appointments. This is a good example of I need to put on my "Big girl" panties and suck it up for the first time. Then at the next appointment they can treat me accordingly. I learned a couple of interesting things:

1. I will not need a port. I will do a regular IV since this is considered a short treatment (4 rounds)

2. They inject you anti-nausea medicine before the actual chemo drugs are inserted.

3. Anti-nausea can cause you to be agitated, so they give you ativan, a Valium type drug, to calm you down after treatments. And I was moody before - jeez. Highs and lows, buckle up folks, this will be some ride!

4. Hair loss is coming. I am preparing for this and will be surprised if I keep any of it. You cannot color your hair during chemo...Is there NO justice in the world? So I will be going in for one last color treatment and a shorty haircut this weekend. I guess after it falls out, I'll have no hair left to color anyway. Let's keep our fingers crossed that it comes back with no gray this time :)

Life is moving along and I am healing slowly but surely. I am excited to be driving and off all medications. Sometimes when I am lying down perfectly still, I actually feel normal. It's brief but it brings me a sliver of hope that I will return to my "normal" normal which is still somewhat askew!! I'll post a picture of the new 'do! I am looking forward to a fun weekend with my brother, Bob, who is in visiting this weekend!! Enjoy this beautiful fall weather!

Chemo...all the cool kids are doing it!

Grace & I saw this shirt and she asked if she could get it IF I had to do chemo. Well, we have an answer. Yes, I will do chemo and even better, I'll get the shirt. I am certainly not going to stop the fight now and why would I stop the laughter too. Isn't that a ridiculous message though...peer pressure, defiance, totally irreverent... sounds right up my alley!

The Hafner family took a trip to the city on Thursday . We took the kids out of school a wee bit early for a night of fun...a visit with a Northwestern Oncologist, dinner in the city, playing at Millennium park...I didn't necessarily rank them in order of fun! We met with Dr. Claudia Tellez and she recommended the same exact treatment that our local Dr. in Hinsdale did. To quote my mom, "Why would drive to city to get a diet coke if you can get the same diet coke in Hinsdale?" Exactly. I will stay local and make it easier on myself and my friends and family and will be starting treatments with Dr. Sweet the last week of October. This will be right about when I start to feel good after the mastectomy. Ahh perfect :) I will be on the following regimen: 4 Rounds of "TC" chemo every 3 weeks followed by 5 years of the estrogen blocking pill Tamoxifen. Bring it on...the sooner the better, let's get this shit over with and put behind us. How lucky that I have an easy to diagnose, easy to treat case (knock on wood). I thank my lucky stars everyday for the following:

1. Family, friends, well wishers & prayers

2. Smart people willing to go through all the extra schooling to become doctors/nurses. They are saving my life right now.

3. Researchers who sit behind microscopes day after day learning about the personalities of cancer and working hard to find a cure.

4. No housework, dishes or laundry. So this is what it feels like to be a man. HA, HA! Just a joke Clay...you helped out a lot before this and are doing totally awesome now that it's all up to you!

5. The best time to be going through this is October. Everywhere, everyone rocking the pink! I love it! Especially being downtown Chicago: The" Whatchu Talkin' about Willis" Tower, Trump tower, Blue Cross Building all illuminating pink in the skyline!

Perfect time for a reminder...do your self exams, each month same time and early detection means longer lives!! Have a beautiful weekend!

Oh sweet freedom!

Yes, it's true I've be sprung from the joint...I mean from the drains and I like it! Isn't it funny how sometimes we over analyze things so much. OK, maybe it's just me obsessing over these tubes jump roping out my sides. I was so worked up about the drains and told Clay if they weren't taken out last night, I would be reduced to a puddle of tears. So, we waited for a loooonnnnggg time to get into the room and Dr. Fenner comes in "glances" at the meticulous notes I've taken and goes to the cabinet to get his scissors out to cut the tubes out. What? No argument or need for persuasion? I've had all of my arguments ready and didn't even need them! Thanks for the warning Kim, that was a hugely unpleasant experience but the end result was so nice. Baby steps, my friends, baby steps. Am I still uncomfortable? Yes! Just not as much as before :)

Clay and I did a "two-a-day" on Wednesday and had our first visit with an oncologist plus the follow-up with the plastic surgeon. I was so drained (no pun intended)by the end of the day. I felt like a newborn baby who was just plain overstimulated and couldn't settle down. I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me. Anyway, sleep obviously came and went and now I face a new day and another oncology appointment. The end result of the first meeting is chemo is on the menu for me. When you start looking at percentages of your survival rate, I know I am most comfortable with the smallest number possible. I will get second and maybe even a third opinion on this yet, I am pretty convinced that this is Cancer 101 and my Doctor said like this was a textbook, uncomplicated situation...and thank God for that.

I was thrown, by what Clay calls an "non-issue", that my grade of tumor was upgraded from a 1 to a 2 Grade. I think it was upgraded after surgery and for some reason this news really bothered me. I am still Stage 1 but now a grade 2. I researched a bit and found this info on tumor staging. I'm guessing that it was based on my tumor size 1.8cm. I'll ask for some clarification on that.

http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/path_report/the_cancer/grade.jsp

On a ligher note- Here is an example of life with Julie & Clay at an oncologist appointment:

Dr. Sweet is about to draw a diagram explaining estrogen-receptors and asks us, "Have you ever had chemistry?"

Clay responds, "Yes, many years ago"

I am puzzled/pissed and ask, "What are you talking about? Many years ago. What?"

I thought he was asking about "physical chemistry", you know, between Clay & I and I'm rather peeved that Clay said yeah, many years ago! I look like a huge dork. Which makes us all laugh. Of course he means "Chemistry" as in the class that I barely passed because I was down in the cafeteria eating chocolate long johns!

Unless something major changes, I'll probably be starting chemo a month after surgery- basically in two weeks. Time to get my G.I. Jane haircut in preparation for the battle of my life! (Not too dramatic, huh?)

Life on the horizon

It's kind of like the first buds of spring...you see them and excitedly know that so much good is ahead. I had a few of these "first bud" moments over the weekend.

1. I took my first shower. Alone. Granted I didn't do my hair, I went for a wash & blow dry at my salon (Hello luxury!) but it was just me and my music. In typical Julie fashion, I ran the hot water then went into the closet to change out of my jammies and forgot, of course, that there are drains safety pinned to them. As I untangle this mess, I grab the drains in my hand and book it into the shower. On the way though my drain tubing caught on the doorknob of the bathroom causing me to jerk backwards in pure physical comedy bit. Why? Why is it that even alone I can crack myself up and do some of the most ridiculous things. I guess that's just who I am. I ended up saying prayers of thanks because what am I going to do if this drain that is stitched in to me gets ripped out? I've got enough on my plate right now, thanks though!

2. I went out. Yes, of my house, with clothes on. Big news. I've enjoyed watching the surprise when people see me out and about. They must think I'm nuts. I guess the image people have of someone post-op from a double mastectomy is not this. I'd think the same way, you think laid up, nurses on staff, haze of pain meds and all that. Instead you resume normal activity pretty quickly. I believe that the pajama wearing, laying around bit gets old and stale and almost plays upon itself to being miserable. I'm out and distracted and just hoping my drains don't fall out of my hoodie. I even watched a jr.pommers performance Friday and 3 soccer games Saturday morning. That's a feat even in the best of health. Sadly though, I was unable to attend my friends, Dave & Stacy's, wedding in Tucson, AZ this weekend. I thought of them often and of my high school friends kickin' it old school on the dance floor. But I certainly would've have a drain malfunction had I participated in that. It wasn't meant to be!

3. Food. I love it and it has been an oddly absent from my life the past few weeks. It may have been the stress and, if not that, the vicodin that really wiped out the appetite. It was so different for me. I love to eat and not wanting to eat anything was very foreign to me. But I am back and although I can't reach the treats now, I have goals for the future.

4. How bout the NFL rockin the pink all month long. I just teared up at the "Crucial catch" introduction of the Bears/Giants game. Early detection and more birthdays. Yeah, that means more cake :)

Once again, I am truly blessed to have this wonderful support team behind me. My mother passed the baton on Thursday to Clay's mom, Peg, who left today. These two super Grandmas have managed my household, kids, homework, meals & no small feat...the laundry. My dad even picked up the dog poop, without being asked. In a house with two large labs, that's huge!! "It takes a village" only scratches the surface. I'll give you an update after the plastic surgeon's follow-up on Wednesday...praying hard the drains come out and maybe I can start driving again.

The pendulum has swung...

I was a little down yesterday but found that a good night sleep can make all the difference in your outlook. We saw Dr. Fenner last night for the follow-up appointment. It is always a relief to hear that things are progressing well and for 5 days post-op I looked good. Glad he noticed because I showered and was wearing real clothes (almost). I opted for the sweat suit only after my mother was trying to button up my button-fly my cute jean capris. She said, "Don't you have some sweats, wouldn't that just be easier?" Mother knows best!! I was happy to be showered, semi blow dried and even put on a little eyeliner. Wow! We've come a long way baby! So we visit with the doctor and he recommends that I move right into a shaping under wire bra. Great reason for us to run right out to buy a new one. Here is the funny thing...he says "Don't buy and expensive one, most women like the brands Natori and Chantelle." We get to VonMaur and they don't carry Natori but have some $75-$90 Chantelle bras. Don't spend a lot?? Really? Obviously I'm not his normal client. We opted for "The Awareness Bra" by Wacoal and it is pretty and comfortable and is shaping these ladies just fine. For some reason, it may be that I haven't had vicodin in awhile but I am feeling really good. Dr. Fenner said you'd be surprised how much advil or motrin will help and advised to get off the vicodin if I didn't like it. So, I had a great night of sleep and got up and dressed and am living by doctor's order to proceed with life as normal! While I can't workout yet, I am able to walk. So it's just same old Julie, just running at 75%. Yeah! The other day my ringer was off on my cell phone and the next day I had 7 messages and 8 texts. Sorry, if you've called and I haven't gotten back to you. There are so many emails, calls, texts etc. and it would be a full time job managing all of it. I am chipping away at the list slowly but surely but please know your prayers are felt, the love & support is endless and I appreciate each and every one of your good thoughts.

Mood swings

More good news arrived this morning. The secondary pathology came back and the lymph nodes are really negative. Also, as we already knew, they verified there was infiltrating cancer in the left breast and nothing found in the right breast. This is good news and while I should be up dancing on the ceiling, my inner Lionel Richie feels like ground level today. I'm sure this news would seem like I was finished. My fight with cancer is over now that I've had a bi-lateral mastectomy and it hasn't traveled. But the truth of the matter is there are more steps ahead of me, I just don't know what they are at this point. Clay & I will be interviewing several oncologists in the next few weeks and hearing their "opinions." I think that if a Doctor gave me the "Your done" speech, I would run. I am not satisfied that this fight is over. We will pick a doctor that we are comfortable with and will guide us to our end goal: cancer-free longevity.

Here comes the mood swing...and I was warned of this (Thank you Jack)! Since diagnosis I have been keyed up, fighting all the way, hustling appointments, eager to erase this cancer from my body. Now, I sit 5 days post-op and it's gone. Should be flying high yet now I am more freaked about the cancer than ever. When it was in me, I just wanted it out. Now that is gone, I wonder how in the world did it get there and how am I going to make sure it doesn't come back? These are the fruitless questions that I ask when I am laying WIDE awake at 5:00am and sick and tired of sleeping like a queen propped at a 45 degree angle. I just want to roll over, or sleep on my stomach. Quite frankly if these drains weren't stitched into me, I'd be tempted (I won't do it) to rip them out. The fact of the matter is, I've got another week or two of these drains. I am just not a patient, patient! I need to get some sleeping pills. I am weening off the vicodin and am thinking sleeping pills would help my situation greatly. I am meeting with them tonight to discuss...Hopefully I don't across like Heath Ledger or Corey Haim, "I just need more drugs"...I promise I won't mix them. I am too prude for that! I'm not looking for a high, I just want some sleep. Mood swings, they are all over this place and brought on by shitty sleep.

Let's talk about something funny. I hadn't had a shadoobie in 6 days, this is a dire situation that most people post-op and on vicodin experience. I am typically as regular as the mail (I'm sure you really wanted to know that) but good Lord, six days?!?!? This is not what I signed up for. With the help of lots of laxatives, prunes and prune juice. The train left the station and I was once again victorious! Hark, those angels were singing!

Lots of people are asking about the girls, not the new ones, the ones I birthed. They are all doing well. There was a little post-op let down for them too. I think Jane, was very happy to have me home but also very happy to be coloring or doing a puzzle. She has some control issue with my mom in the morning over what she's wearing but mostly she's still happy-go-lucky-Jane. Chloe is my cuddle-bug and she'd crawl back in, if I'd let her. She just wants to be close and holding my hand or helping me in any way. Grace, while she is the oldest, is the the most sensitive. She lets the younger two fuss & fight over me and she hangs back. Maybe it's because there is a grandma here that she likes that one-on-one attention from her and realizes she doesn't have to fight for it. I know how sensitive Grace is and we all got a laugh out of her trip to the school nurse on Monday. She had "the sniffles" and wanted to come home. Of course we all knew she just wanted to come home because I was back from the hospital. She's so predictable!! Anyway, The kids are fine and dealing with this as to be expected. Highs and lows and everything in between. Clay & I marvel at what a lesson in compassion and giving they are being taught right now. It's a funny perspective from their eyes, They think this is great...meals, desserts, gifts, books, sounds like a party to a kid! I hope to keep that illusion going as long as I can for them!!

Postcard from Vicodin-land

High! I mean Hi! Just wanted to send greetings from Vicodin-land. Wow, how in the hell do people get addicted to this? I can hardly function as a human being. I am so blurry and fuzzy and my tongue doesn't work. While it does help the pain it does nothing for me in the fun department. I am so boring and sleepy. The pain is very manageable, kind of feels like the day your milk comes in times 3. It is just pressure and discomfort. I have lost most of my attachments (still have the drains). I had some lidocaine drips going right into the incisions and Clay pulled those out today. He is quickly becoming Clay, R.N. and doing such a great job at stripping my drains...gross, keeping my meds coming and he even washed my hair today. Cleaning up felt great but really wore me out and I had to crawl back into bed. Thankfully we have Monday Night Football on tonight to counteract all of the boob discussions. My Mom & Dad are here helping along with Jim. Can you believe we all stayed up to watch the Dexter season premiere last night. How's that for dedication! I guess watching other people's drama and fictional drama is sometimes easier than dealing with your own! It has been nice to have all the help. Thanks to all who have sent cards, emails and flowers. I feel the love and know that all of the prayers & good wishes have kept me well. I have a follow-up with the plastic surgeon on Wednesday afternoon where I can hopefully lose the ace bandage for support and graduate to something a little less post-surgery! I am off to go drool during the bears game....

WARNING: I am currently under construction

Hi everyone! It's me, I'm back into blogging action! I have a new friend called Norco (I believe it's vicodin's cousin). We are getting along just fine. I am all tongue tied and goofy from the meds but shouldn't that make for some entertainment? I am so happy Clay filled in for me and got you all our good news. There was no lymph node involvement but they still need to be tested at a higher level of pathology. We'll get those results in the next week or so. We will still visit several oncologists to seek out the best treatment plan for me. I will also plan on do genetic testing in the next few months. In the meantime, we believe I am cancer free at the moment and that feels great!!

Favorite quote of the weekend from my friend Lesley taken from our favorite movie "Airplane!"...

"We've got to get this man to a hospital"

"What is it?"

"It's a large building with patients but that's not important right now".

So that should set the tone for how Friday went. For as nervous as I was on Thursday, my nerves calmed being surrounded by friends and family at the hospital. We were a parade of pink and as soon as I get home, I will post pictures for you to see. Clay's sister, Lisa, and my nieces Ellie & Emma came to the hospital with pink shirts that they made. Each one said something different and they were awesome.

I have heard from several parents from Walker School (where my 3 girls go) and heard that there was so much pink being worn, ribbons on trees and balloons. Thanks to all who tried to capture the support on film. I was so touched. All day Friday we kept getting more and more pictures. My surgery was delayed a bit so all the pictures helped pass the time. I will work hard this week, from my bed, to get the slide show on the blog. I am so impressed with you all!!

The surgery was a success. It was easiest on me for sure. I received a vial of valium and was truly "out there" very quickly. I believe that Clay was not lying about the "bitches" comment although I believe it was only directed towards him! Then I got wheeled into surgery and I remember seeing the surgeon and LOTS of equipment and I laughed about nothing and then I woke up crying. So they did a fabulous job of knocking me out. I hear they use an amnesiac as well so that I will not remember a thing about the surgery. Clearly it worked! So after I got some pain meds pumping in recovery I was wheeled to my room where Clay was waiting. I just remember being very tired and sore. My parents and Jim visited for a bit and then I went to sleep. I woke up and thought it was 7 am but quickly found out it was only 1 am. That was the start of a long evening of sleep, no sleep, sleep, no sleep. Really can I not get any sleep aids in the hospital? Anyone who has ever been in the hospital knows that you are chained to your bed via IV, leg compression tubes, Pain IVs, etc, so going to the bathroom becomes a MAJOR production. Anyway, can I get some cheese with my whine? I'll be happy to go home today where I can move freely. I have been weaned from my high powered morphine drip, so the honeymoon is over. I am only on Norco and am doing fine. Considering how major the surgery seems, it is really not that painful. I am not saying that is a breeze...It is just more pressure than pain. I do feel like someone has parked their car on my chest. I know you are all wondering what they look like...I can not answer that question as I haven't seen them myself. They are bound very tightly in an Ace bandage. They do not look like Pamela Anderson at all so the doctor clearly took my opinions seriously and not Clay's :) Ha ha! I am waiting for the plastic surgeon to discharge me to come home today. I need a shower in the worst way and will be happy to lose the compression stockings and hospital gown that has me mooning the room every time I get up. How cliche!!

Many thanks to:

Everyone who sported pink on Friday - I am tickled pink with all of the pictures.

Lesley, Stephanie, Brooke & Charlie for visiting me in the hospital!

John & Peg Hafner for becoming "Mom & Dad" at home and being with the kids and helping them feel happy at home.

Jim for making time in your fun softball weekend to be with me!

Mom & Dad for being here and being positive and happy and for scratching my back and rubbing my feet!

Heidi Gleason, Lisa Deering, Nancy Graham, Mary Beth Chadwell for running my kids all over town to soccer and Jr pommers, etc. I can't thank you enough!

Everyone who participated in the prayer group at Notre Dame, God must have listened.

Clay, for being with me every step of the way, even wanting to sample all of my pain medicine :)

My Doctors and nurses for taking very good care of me. I am totally impressed with Evanston Hospital - I have called it a hotel several times. Seriously!

And lastly I'd like to thank the Academy, it's just an honor to be nominated, uh oh! There go the drugs again!

In recovery

Talked to Dr. Fenner and he said things went well too, Julie is in recovery and we should be able to see her in an hour or so. Glad to have this day behind us and we have a lot to be thankful for.

lymph nodes are clear

Just talked to Dr. Winchester, first half went well, lymph nodes are clear. He took out 7 on the left side and 1 on the right side and all clear. So great news! Dr. Fenner is working now and should be done in an hour or so.

Thanks for all the thoughts, prayers, and pink wearing....has meant a ton to us.

Clay

Surgery begins....

After a long day of waiting, made much easier by having friends and family at the hospital, Julie went in a little before 4 this afternoon. She should be done in 3-4 hours and we are hoping for an update about the lymph nodes in an hour and a half. Julie was strong and in good spirits all day and when I left her she was grinning from ear to ear which I would like to attribute to my witty sense of humor but it probably had more to do with the valium she was injected with.....she mumbled something like "what's up bitches?" at one point.

More to follow...Clay

Holy Staph Batman!!

Everyone says be prepared for the roller coaster ride. Ha Ha! Isn't it the truth!?!? I experienced a mini crisis today when my family Doctor called with results from my physical on Monday. My surgeon ordered a staph swab of my nostrils. Easy & ticklish but certainly nothing I was concerned about. That was until I heard that I tested positive for Staph. Lovely. I was assured that many people walk around with staph in their nostrils and will never ever know it unless they are tested, then it can be treated with oral antibiotics. Then he drops the "Don't know if they'll still do the surgery because of this" on me. Well crap-a-doodle-doo! This is not good. I go into major panic frantically calling all offices (which is currently three). Only after 1 hour of sheer panic did I hear that it was fine that I am positive just need to have some meds and this wonderful ointment called bactroban. So if you'd like to play along at home; go grab about a Tablespoon of Vaseline and jam it up each nostril, then try to breath and massage those nostrils real good. Now, trust me on this one...don't laugh, not even a little bit. I did this on the way home from the pharmacy in the car with Clay driving, and started shooting stalactites of ooze from my nose. That's hot!! and I have to say if Clay wasn't a saint he should have left at the street corner. Instead he found an already used Kleenex in his car for me to clean up. See people, chivalry is not dead! The best part (insert sarcasm) of this ointment is that it coats the back of your throat with a taste I reckon would be similar to gasoline or motor oil. Cancer I can handle, this staph business, maybe not.

Aside from this nonsense today, I am getting very nervous. Like butterflies in tummy...or I may hurl at any minute nervous. I try to be cool but with the lack of sleep I am getting, the tears valve is getting turned little by little. I cried today when my friend Joan told me she was organizing a prayer service at our church. It's not that I am that holy, I just thought it was the kindest gesture, that my friends would go to church and pray for me. It scared me a little bit too. I was thinking "Shit, things must really be scary if these ladies want to go to church on a day that isn't Sunday." Regardless I am touched and letting myself "go there" a little bit.

So after wiping my eyes from that conversation I go to my last Zumba class before surgery. Yesterday, during kickboxing my instructor and friend Jen gave me the cutest pink Zumba pink ribbon tank to wear to today's class. If I wasn't so darned sweaty, I would've taken a picture. She tells the class my story and all of these women are clapping and cheering me on. Well damn it, I already cried, just five minutes ago, I can't release the valve here, again! So I suck it in and dance like there's no tomorrow (Little shout out to Paula Abdul). If you haven't ever tried Zumba, promise me you'll try it. I am as uncoordinated as Elaine from Seinfeld but I don't even care, I just go and dance and sweat and burn calories and have so much fun doing it. It's my drug, baby! It's like being on vacation everyday!

So now I have to pack and get ready for the weekend extraordinaire. It may sound redundant but I CAN NOT EVER THANK YOU ENOUGH! I live in the best town in the world and have the best family & best friends ever, even if you are jealous of my new boobs, I will still love you!

**Also, I want some pictures on Friday. Pink it is. send to my email chafner5@comcast.net and while recovering I'll upload to the blog. Rock the Pink!!

Monday 9/20

I'm so finished with this "new me." I have spent years being organized and on top of all my shit and then one little breast cancer diagnosis and it all goes out the window. I am dropping the ball all over town. PLEASE, know that this is a temporary insanity and I will return post surgery bigger and better than ever...literally and figuratively :) I had a tense day, I always tend to crash the day after a birthday and I still haven't quite recovered from a late night and a couple too many beers on Saturday night. Pretty lame that it is taking me 2 days to recover from being out until midnight on Saturday. So enough of my pity party, Clay & I are hashing out weekend plans. Amazing that my surgery couldn't have collided with a worse weekend. The kids are extra busy and under normal circumstances this is a double black diamond weekend. Many thanks to those moms helping us shuttle the kids around. I couldn't do this without the love and support of great friends.

So I was a little down in the dumps and my mom sent me this to watch. Totally made me smile. Hope you enjoy it too!

Click here: YouTube - Dancing at the Movies - Music Video

Nobody puts baby in the corner!

Peace out :)

Sunday, September 19th

Today is a good day at our house. Grace turns 11 today and what a beautiful reminder of the things that are so special to us. Friday, September 24th is the date for my bi-lateral mastectomy. I am asking all of my friends, family, neighbors, loyal fans :), etc. to wear pink. I think this will be especially poignant at Walker School where my kids will be able to see the support in their classroom. Many thanks to our friends & teachers who have already told me they will Rock the Pink on Friday. I recently did this for my friend Kathy Washburn's mom and I thought of her so many times during the day. The power of positive thinking and expression will get us through :) When you are wearing your pink on Friday (Or any other day for that matter) please take a picture, I'd love to see my supporters who I won't be able to see when I'm knocked out for a few hours! I will post them on a slideshow on the blog.

Have you done you monthly self exam yet? This does not apply only to women. Gentlemen, you need to be doing self exams too! You should be checking out "the boys" and making sure they are healthy too. This could save your life!! I think I am up to 9 women who have either gotten a mammogram or their annual exam. Rock on ladies, keep 'em coming.

One last request, Pray. Just pray. Doesn't matter to whom, or where, or when or for what, just pray. Please.

With all my love and gratitude :)

We got a date!!!

Got a call this morning and the scheduling nurse was so excited that there was a cancellation and asked...could I make it next Friday, September 24th for the surgery? I have been so anxious to get this date on the books and now yikes! it's so close. I immediately retracted my eagerness and asked, "Well, if not that day what is the next day available?" The answer was Oct. 22. That is a whole month away and can't imagine having to live in limbo for another four weeks so I hopped on it!! I have been frantic all day long. I know that not posting has caused lots of phone calls...sorry to those that I have yet to follow-up with. There was a mad scramble to set up a pre-op appt. at plastic surgeon (basically a "Is that your final answer" appointment), a physical & staph swab with family doctor and attend the PTA meeting today. I am equally scared shitless and super excited to have this first phase underway. I am so overwhelmed by all of the kind words and emails. I am certainly not worthy of this level of attention and it is starting to in fact creep me out. It's like I've died and am attending my own funeral. It is such an out-of-body experience. Friends and neighbors telling me that they love me and are cheering for me. I am BLOWN away!You all better stop or I'm gonna start getting cocky. Again, this is one of the moments when I can honestly say how lucky I am. I am witnessing the truest sense of friendship and love. I am lucky enough to feel people's compassion for me and my family. It is an amazing feeling. Now enough of the sappy shit. Let's talk about the $3.99 sweatshirt that Clay bought at last night. He was SO excited as we wandered into the Walgreen's by the Plastic Surgeon's office at 9:00 because I was dying (not literally) of thirst and needed a water. He comes across this old school charcoal grey sweatshirt and he just had to have it, he put it on right in the store and handed the sticker to the check out girl...jeez just like a kid in the candy shop. Then he got to hold implants both saline & silicone - a landmark day :)

A few funny things:

1. I mentioned that my brain is not right. This is reminiscent of when I was pregnant. Clay and I always laugh at what a ding-dong I was when I was pregnant. Now , I guess, this cancer bit has got me being goofy again. Yesterday, we pulled in after school and the girls all get out of the car. I have my foot on the brake and think that the keys are out of the ignition and that I am actually in park when in fact I am in drive still. I let me foot off the brake and Grace is screaming "MOM!!!!" and I'm thinking what the hell are you yelling about and then I realize I'm about an inch from running into my house. Nice! Great driving skills!!

2. This is actually an addendum to the last story. This morning, running late for school and looking everywhere for the freakin' car keys. Find the spare key, run to the car and find my keys STILL in the ignition from the episode yesterday. Hey anyone want a new car? Some dumb broad on Byrd Ct. has the keys in hers ripe for the pickin!! Good Lord. Hopefully this too shall pass because I can't stand myself right now. Ding-a-ling central!!

Wednesday, September 15th

We had our "late night" rendez-vous with the plastic surgeon last night. We made great time to Kenilworth - that's the upside of a 9:30pm appt. We actually met him at 10:15pm. We were happy to be in a quiet, comfortable environment while waiting - the office had sirius/xm lite channel on and I must admit I was signing along. Great music, no kids, this is almost like date night. Dr. Fenner is a calm and peaceful kind of doctor, just the very opposite of me which was nice. I think he made me slow down a bit. Can I admit that even with his nice demeanor, I am still so immature that I actually had to bite my lip to keep from smirking. I mean this is SO out of my comfort zone. Would I have ever considered having a boob job before this situation. NO. But here I am. Would I prefer my saggy goods that God gave me? Yes, of course but that isn't really an option anymore. So I have to juggle my emotions. While I received good news about the surgery, I also am wrestling with the fear that I am going to wake up from all of this and say "Whose boobs are these and what in the world just happened to me." The good news is, my reconstruction can be done in a one step process. I will undergo a double mastectomy, then the surgeon will pass the baton and the plastic surgeon will come in and immediately "reconstruct" by inserting implants behind the muscle wall and get me looking all pretty. Just so you know, my objective is to look as close to how I look now. Clay's objective may lie closer to Pamela Anderson. I think he understands that I'm not really a Pamela size kinda gal. So we agreed on new, normal and healthy ones! Our drive home provided some interesting dialog. The range of emotions is overwhelming as well as the anticipation for when all of this is going to happen. The nurses at each surgeons have explained that 3-4 weeks is normal and not be disappointed by that wait time. Clay's latest idea is that I need to buy 7 wigs and just rotate through them much to the entertainment or embarrassment of our kids, family & friends. Then I told him how expensive wigs are and he said, "Oh I meant Halloween type wigs" So when you see Elvira dropping off the kids at school you can know...there's that crazy Julie Hafner!!

Tuesday, September 14th

Follow-up appointment with surgeon Dr. Winchester. My first reaction is to complain about walking into a 3:30 appointment at 3:15 and being told "The Dr. is running about an hour late." Really? Are you f***in' kidding me is what I thought. "Oh, that's fine, we'll wait" is how I replied. So this is how it's going to go, this whole breast cancer patient that is learning patience the hard way! Thankfully Clay was able to return some emails and I got to fill out 8 pages of forms for the plastic surgeon appt. tomorrow night... I'm like a friggin' boy scout, always prepared. I'm sure I'll be waiting at that appointment too and I'd have plenty of time to fill out my own personal novella then. Anyway, so knee jerk is to complain but do you really want to walk into an empty waiting room with a doctor who is waiting to see you right away? That might be unnerving. I'd rather wait and see a superstar. One time though I'll show up an hour late and see how they like that! Ya, that's right!!
Anyway, Dr. Winchester was not at all alarmed at my "shadows" on the MRI and since I ordered up a double mastectomy, the point is really moot. They will be tested in pathology when they remove all of the breast tissue.
Here is what we learned:
1. Appointment can not be scheduled until I meet with Dr.Geoffry Fenner the plastic surgeon (Wed night at the very convenient hour of 9:30pm) Clay was laughing so hard when he scheduled that. Yes, you heard it here folks, I let Clay schedule an appointment...I'm letting go already.
2. If all goes well with Dr. Fenner, I will call Thursday am to get those offices working together to find a mutually agreeable date in 3-4 weeks.
3. Chance of chemo is higher than previously indicated...call it denial but I truly thought maybe I could dodge that bullet. Turns out Superman, I am not. It's coming right at me and I am just preparing myself for it.
4.The Crock pot is revolutionary. Absolutely LOVE that we walk in the house at 6:30 to a bubbling crock of Italian beef. Thanks Kim Randle & Christine for sharing your fabulous recipe with me. It was so yummy!
Next appointment with the plastic surgeon where hopefully Clay can "test drive" some new models :) HA HA

A little bit about me...

This should have been the first post but I was so excited to purge my story I forgot to add this....

I am a 37 year old stay at home mom, recently diagnosed with breast cancer. I am healthy, work out, eat well and drink water all the damn time. This news came as a big surprise to me as well as others. Breast cancer is not picky and doesn't give a shit that I do Zumba or that I am co-president of the PTA this year. I won't even start to try and figure out how & why but I will focus on the future. Beside me, all the way, is the most supportive husband a woman could ask for, three daughters who add more sparkle/shine to my life that I could've ever imagined and two labs that shed more damn hair than any other creatures on earth.. My breast cancer diagnosis can be considered bad news but I am turning it into good news. This experience will shape how Clay & I will continue the rest of our journey together. It will put the term "living" into a clear perspective. It will change the definition of who I am. Pretty lame that it took a couple of sick cells to change me and my perspective. I hope you enjoy the blog. In case you didn't know...I have a secret writing passion that was birthed by the American Idol Pool that I've ran for 8 years! I essentially blog every week on the happenings of the show. I love it. Anyway, after fielding so many calls and emails this week, I have proven that you actually can talk too much and have found myself with a hoarse voice and headache at the end of the day!! Don't hesitate to still call/email/text...pick your pleasure.

"Thank you for being a friend"

Tuesday September 13th

MRI results are in...The good news is that nothing will ever be as bad as hearing the words, "It's cancer." The bad news is that the MRI has shown two other suspicious areas in my left breast and a suspicious area in my right one too. OK, it's a slam dunk on the double mastectomy. The nurse said that if I'd like to do the breast conservation, I could do more mammos/Ultrasounds and biopsies on these other areas. Gee thanks, think I'll pass and take them all off at once. They will remove both breasts and do a whole pathology report on all suspicious areas. Thankfully, my cancer advisor and survivor, Kim has educated Clay & I that Breast MRI's frequently have false positives. SO, I am not that freaked out by this development. I will hear more at my Tuesday afternoon appointment with the surgeon. We are also scheduled to meet a plastic surgeon on Wednesday night. Let's get this show on the road boys. I have cancer in my breast(s) and need to get it out ASAP!!

Thursday, September 9th

The Breast MRI-

For those of you who have never had an MRI or a Breast MRI, I will explain this test in one word...hell. Picture yourself laying face down, boobs hanging down into these holes of the table, arms extended overhead, IV in arm to inject you with dye half way through. This is all pretty easy so far. Now put a fire alarm right next to you ear. Try not to move either. My adrenaline was PUMPING and I did my best to lie perfectly still but wow is that an inhospitable environment. Oh did I forget to mention that your shoulders are burning after an hour of lying in that position and the rod supporting my chest has basically chiseled a perfect outline/groove into my chest. Anyway it's over now and not something I will never look forward to again.

As for the genetic testing, I spoke with a genetic counselor and we decided that since my decision for surgery was not dependent on the genetic testing, we should just wait until this ordeal is over and then we'll meet and determine if there is enough "risk" to actually go through with the expensive genetic test!

My decision has pretty much been made since after my first appointment with Dr. Winchester. Once I found out a mastectomy was a viable option, there was no turning back. For me, at 37, there is a lot of life I'd like to live and if I'm worrying about any type of reccurance, or even a new cancer, I'm not living to my full potential. With all of that being said, I'd still like to hear the results of the MRI. This will point us in the right direction for sure!

Many thanks to our friends, Carol & Dr. Jack Gelman, a plastic surgeon, who shared so much valuable information with us. If only you knew how much that information helped both of us. We will be informed patients asking all the right questions.

Tuesday, September 7th

Meeting with Dr. David Winchester (Jr.)

This is where we get some real scoop. We both are immediately calmed by everything Dr. Winchester is telling us. Here is the letter I wrote after that meeting...

"Please forgive my email as form of communication. While I'd love to talk with each of you individually, I'd be on the phone all day long. Last week I was diagnosed with breast cancer. This is what I know right now. I found a lump, had a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. Then I had an ultrasound guided biopsy. The tumor presented stage 1, grade 1 infiltrating ductal carcinoma. This is early detection of a slow growing cancer. It is the most common and most curable type of breast cancer. This is really good as far as bad news goes!! My next step is to have an MRI and undergo genetic testing to see if I carry a cancer gene (this will take 10 days to get results) both of these tests will indicate which path I will pursue for treatment. My options are lumpectomy with radiation or mastectomy. Chemotherapy will be an option if the cancer has travelled into the lymph nodes.

Clay and I sat down with each of our daughters individually over the weekend to tell them about it. They are getting quite an education on breast cancer but seem to be handling it well. I will fight hard and hopefully teach my girls how to laugh in the face of adversity.

Aside from my rapidly graying hair, I really feel great. There will come a time and place for me to start accepting help but we are not quite there yet :) As soon as my treatment course is set, I'll be knocking on all of your doors. In the meantime, I'm working hard on organizing every single closet in my house and will keep busy with my PTA duties, mothering duties, and all the damn laundry!!!

Thank you for your thoughts & prayers and feel free to call/email/text me (or Clay) anytime you want."

Clay & I are totally overcome by the support of all our family & friends. There have been so many emails...some so funny and so perfect that I am printing them out and putting them in a booklet so when I am having a low moment I can look back and laugh! Some people really know exactly what I need! My good friend Charlie has graciously offered to give me a second opinion exam and is ready to come boob shopping with me, only if I think I can't handle it on my own :) It is humor and laughter that I will get through this.

Late August/Early September

The shit hits the fan...

It had been a few months of me "watching" this lump in my left breast. I had convinced myself the same thing was on the right side. Next month it was that my period was making my breast extra lumpy, excuses, excuses. Then I had a friend go in for a call back Mammogram and that was what ultimately got me to ask Clay to feel it. Under normal circumstances he would be thrilled that I was asking him to touch me. This time, however, he was in total shock and insisted that I go to have it checked out by my OB.
The next Friday I was in for my first check and was given the news that it was classified as non-suspicious. No worries but must have diagnostic Mammo & Ultrasound. I was expecting an easy appt. where they would say yeah it's no big deal, just a cyst etc. and instead got the "In a normal breast" speech. Now I am freaking out because they've asked for me to come back the next day for a biopsy. Well crap, this is serious. The Dr. says, "Well either it's cancer or it's not"...Really? Not likin' those odds very much! Run to car, sob to Clay on phone. Go in next day, they squeezed me in and I waited for three hours. Get the ultrasound machine going and then they harpooned me like Free Willy and it hurt. Didn't like this one bit. They took three samples. Came home with a ice pack filled jog bra. The next day the OB calls with the preliminary results that it is cancer. Who can guess which four letter expletive I used at that exact moment? I'll give you a clue it starts with an "F" and there was never a point in my life when it was totally more appropriate to use it!! After I dried the tears, I sprang into immediate action and picked my surgeon and scheduled a Tuesday appt. after labor day. We made it through the long weekend with the help of close friends and family support!! Kim Leonard, who many of you know just as my high school friend who had breast cancer has become a trusted advisor to my whole family. I told her that because of her constant reminders to do self exams I was one of the lucky ones to catch this early. She is totally a rock star and a total inspiration to me right now. To think that something bad in your life can turn into something so positive is just plain beautiful.