Mood swings

More good news arrived this morning. The secondary pathology came back and the lymph nodes are really negative. Also, as we already knew, they verified there was infiltrating cancer in the left breast and nothing found in the right breast. This is good news and while I should be up dancing on the ceiling, my inner Lionel Richie feels like ground level today. I'm sure this news would seem like I was finished. My fight with cancer is over now that I've had a bi-lateral mastectomy and it hasn't traveled. But the truth of the matter is there are more steps ahead of me, I just don't know what they are at this point. Clay & I will be interviewing several oncologists in the next few weeks and hearing their "opinions." I think that if a Doctor gave me the "Your done" speech, I would run. I am not satisfied that this fight is over. We will pick a doctor that we are comfortable with and will guide us to our end goal: cancer-free longevity.

Here comes the mood swing...and I was warned of this (Thank you Jack)! Since diagnosis I have been keyed up, fighting all the way, hustling appointments, eager to erase this cancer from my body. Now, I sit 5 days post-op and it's gone. Should be flying high yet now I am more freaked about the cancer than ever. When it was in me, I just wanted it out. Now that is gone, I wonder how in the world did it get there and how am I going to make sure it doesn't come back? These are the fruitless questions that I ask when I am laying WIDE awake at 5:00am and sick and tired of sleeping like a queen propped at a 45 degree angle. I just want to roll over, or sleep on my stomach. Quite frankly if these drains weren't stitched into me, I'd be tempted (I won't do it) to rip them out. The fact of the matter is, I've got another week or two of these drains. I am just not a patient, patient! I need to get some sleeping pills. I am weening off the vicodin and am thinking sleeping pills would help my situation greatly. I am meeting with them tonight to discuss...Hopefully I don't across like Heath Ledger or Corey Haim, "I just need more drugs"...I promise I won't mix them. I am too prude for that! I'm not looking for a high, I just want some sleep. Mood swings, they are all over this place and brought on by shitty sleep.

Let's talk about something funny. I hadn't had a shadoobie in 6 days, this is a dire situation that most people post-op and on vicodin experience. I am typically as regular as the mail (I'm sure you really wanted to know that) but good Lord, six days?!?!? This is not what I signed up for. With the help of lots of laxatives, prunes and prune juice. The train left the station and I was once again victorious! Hark, those angels were singing!

Lots of people are asking about the girls, not the new ones, the ones I birthed. They are all doing well. There was a little post-op let down for them too. I think Jane, was very happy to have me home but also very happy to be coloring or doing a puzzle. She has some control issue with my mom in the morning over what she's wearing but mostly she's still happy-go-lucky-Jane. Chloe is my cuddle-bug and she'd crawl back in, if I'd let her. She just wants to be close and holding my hand or helping me in any way. Grace, while she is the oldest, is the the most sensitive. She lets the younger two fuss & fight over me and she hangs back. Maybe it's because there is a grandma here that she likes that one-on-one attention from her and realizes she doesn't have to fight for it. I know how sensitive Grace is and we all got a laugh out of her trip to the school nurse on Monday. She had "the sniffles" and wanted to come home. Of course we all knew she just wanted to come home because I was back from the hospital. She's so predictable!! Anyway, The kids are fine and dealing with this as to be expected. Highs and lows and everything in between. Clay & I marvel at what a lesson in compassion and giving they are being taught right now. It's a funny perspective from their eyes, They think this is great...meals, desserts, gifts, books, sounds like a party to a kid! I hope to keep that illusion going as long as I can for them!!