The pendulum has swung...

I was a little down yesterday but found that a good night sleep can make all the difference in your outlook. We saw Dr. Fenner last night for the follow-up appointment. It is always a relief to hear that things are progressing well and for 5 days post-op I looked good. Glad he noticed because I showered and was wearing real clothes (almost). I opted for the sweat suit only after my mother was trying to button up my button-fly my cute jean capris. She said, "Don't you have some sweats, wouldn't that just be easier?" Mother knows best!! I was happy to be showered, semi blow dried and even put on a little eyeliner. Wow! We've come a long way baby! So we visit with the doctor and he recommends that I move right into a shaping under wire bra. Great reason for us to run right out to buy a new one. Here is the funny thing...he says "Don't buy and expensive one, most women like the brands Natori and Chantelle." We get to VonMaur and they don't carry Natori but have some $75-$90 Chantelle bras. Don't spend a lot?? Really? Obviously I'm not his normal client. We opted for "The Awareness Bra" by Wacoal and it is pretty and comfortable and is shaping these ladies just fine. For some reason, it may be that I haven't had vicodin in awhile but I am feeling really good. Dr. Fenner said you'd be surprised how much advil or motrin will help and advised to get off the vicodin if I didn't like it. So, I had a great night of sleep and got up and dressed and am living by doctor's order to proceed with life as normal! While I can't workout yet, I am able to walk. So it's just same old Julie, just running at 75%. Yeah! The other day my ringer was off on my cell phone and the next day I had 7 messages and 8 texts. Sorry, if you've called and I haven't gotten back to you. There are so many emails, calls, texts etc. and it would be a full time job managing all of it. I am chipping away at the list slowly but surely but please know your prayers are felt, the love & support is endless and I appreciate each and every one of your good thoughts.

Mood swings

More good news arrived this morning. The secondary pathology came back and the lymph nodes are really negative. Also, as we already knew, they verified there was infiltrating cancer in the left breast and nothing found in the right breast. This is good news and while I should be up dancing on the ceiling, my inner Lionel Richie feels like ground level today. I'm sure this news would seem like I was finished. My fight with cancer is over now that I've had a bi-lateral mastectomy and it hasn't traveled. But the truth of the matter is there are more steps ahead of me, I just don't know what they are at this point. Clay & I will be interviewing several oncologists in the next few weeks and hearing their "opinions." I think that if a Doctor gave me the "Your done" speech, I would run. I am not satisfied that this fight is over. We will pick a doctor that we are comfortable with and will guide us to our end goal: cancer-free longevity.

Here comes the mood swing...and I was warned of this (Thank you Jack)! Since diagnosis I have been keyed up, fighting all the way, hustling appointments, eager to erase this cancer from my body. Now, I sit 5 days post-op and it's gone. Should be flying high yet now I am more freaked about the cancer than ever. When it was in me, I just wanted it out. Now that is gone, I wonder how in the world did it get there and how am I going to make sure it doesn't come back? These are the fruitless questions that I ask when I am laying WIDE awake at 5:00am and sick and tired of sleeping like a queen propped at a 45 degree angle. I just want to roll over, or sleep on my stomach. Quite frankly if these drains weren't stitched into me, I'd be tempted (I won't do it) to rip them out. The fact of the matter is, I've got another week or two of these drains. I am just not a patient, patient! I need to get some sleeping pills. I am weening off the vicodin and am thinking sleeping pills would help my situation greatly. I am meeting with them tonight to discuss...Hopefully I don't across like Heath Ledger or Corey Haim, "I just need more drugs"...I promise I won't mix them. I am too prude for that! I'm not looking for a high, I just want some sleep. Mood swings, they are all over this place and brought on by shitty sleep.

Let's talk about something funny. I hadn't had a shadoobie in 6 days, this is a dire situation that most people post-op and on vicodin experience. I am typically as regular as the mail (I'm sure you really wanted to know that) but good Lord, six days?!?!? This is not what I signed up for. With the help of lots of laxatives, prunes and prune juice. The train left the station and I was once again victorious! Hark, those angels were singing!

Lots of people are asking about the girls, not the new ones, the ones I birthed. They are all doing well. There was a little post-op let down for them too. I think Jane, was very happy to have me home but also very happy to be coloring or doing a puzzle. She has some control issue with my mom in the morning over what she's wearing but mostly she's still happy-go-lucky-Jane. Chloe is my cuddle-bug and she'd crawl back in, if I'd let her. She just wants to be close and holding my hand or helping me in any way. Grace, while she is the oldest, is the the most sensitive. She lets the younger two fuss & fight over me and she hangs back. Maybe it's because there is a grandma here that she likes that one-on-one attention from her and realizes she doesn't have to fight for it. I know how sensitive Grace is and we all got a laugh out of her trip to the school nurse on Monday. She had "the sniffles" and wanted to come home. Of course we all knew she just wanted to come home because I was back from the hospital. She's so predictable!! Anyway, The kids are fine and dealing with this as to be expected. Highs and lows and everything in between. Clay & I marvel at what a lesson in compassion and giving they are being taught right now. It's a funny perspective from their eyes, They think this is great...meals, desserts, gifts, books, sounds like a party to a kid! I hope to keep that illusion going as long as I can for them!!

Postcard from Vicodin-land

High! I mean Hi! Just wanted to send greetings from Vicodin-land. Wow, how in the hell do people get addicted to this? I can hardly function as a human being. I am so blurry and fuzzy and my tongue doesn't work. While it does help the pain it does nothing for me in the fun department. I am so boring and sleepy. The pain is very manageable, kind of feels like the day your milk comes in times 3. It is just pressure and discomfort. I have lost most of my attachments (still have the drains). I had some lidocaine drips going right into the incisions and Clay pulled those out today. He is quickly becoming Clay, R.N. and doing such a great job at stripping my drains...gross, keeping my meds coming and he even washed my hair today. Cleaning up felt great but really wore me out and I had to crawl back into bed. Thankfully we have Monday Night Football on tonight to counteract all of the boob discussions. My Mom & Dad are here helping along with Jim. Can you believe we all stayed up to watch the Dexter season premiere last night. How's that for dedication! I guess watching other people's drama and fictional drama is sometimes easier than dealing with your own! It has been nice to have all the help. Thanks to all who have sent cards, emails and flowers. I feel the love and know that all of the prayers & good wishes have kept me well. I have a follow-up with the plastic surgeon on Wednesday afternoon where I can hopefully lose the ace bandage for support and graduate to something a little less post-surgery! I am off to go drool during the bears game....

WARNING: I am currently under construction

Hi everyone! It's me, I'm back into blogging action! I have a new friend called Norco (I believe it's vicodin's cousin). We are getting along just fine. I am all tongue tied and goofy from the meds but shouldn't that make for some entertainment? I am so happy Clay filled in for me and got you all our good news. There was no lymph node involvement but they still need to be tested at a higher level of pathology. We'll get those results in the next week or so. We will still visit several oncologists to seek out the best treatment plan for me. I will also plan on do genetic testing in the next few months. In the meantime, we believe I am cancer free at the moment and that feels great!!

Favorite quote of the weekend from my friend Lesley taken from our favorite movie "Airplane!"...

"We've got to get this man to a hospital"

"What is it?"

"It's a large building with patients but that's not important right now".

So that should set the tone for how Friday went. For as nervous as I was on Thursday, my nerves calmed being surrounded by friends and family at the hospital. We were a parade of pink and as soon as I get home, I will post pictures for you to see. Clay's sister, Lisa, and my nieces Ellie & Emma came to the hospital with pink shirts that they made. Each one said something different and they were awesome.

I have heard from several parents from Walker School (where my 3 girls go) and heard that there was so much pink being worn, ribbons on trees and balloons. Thanks to all who tried to capture the support on film. I was so touched. All day Friday we kept getting more and more pictures. My surgery was delayed a bit so all the pictures helped pass the time. I will work hard this week, from my bed, to get the slide show on the blog. I am so impressed with you all!!

The surgery was a success. It was easiest on me for sure. I received a vial of valium and was truly "out there" very quickly. I believe that Clay was not lying about the "bitches" comment although I believe it was only directed towards him! Then I got wheeled into surgery and I remember seeing the surgeon and LOTS of equipment and I laughed about nothing and then I woke up crying. So they did a fabulous job of knocking me out. I hear they use an amnesiac as well so that I will not remember a thing about the surgery. Clearly it worked! So after I got some pain meds pumping in recovery I was wheeled to my room where Clay was waiting. I just remember being very tired and sore. My parents and Jim visited for a bit and then I went to sleep. I woke up and thought it was 7 am but quickly found out it was only 1 am. That was the start of a long evening of sleep, no sleep, sleep, no sleep. Really can I not get any sleep aids in the hospital? Anyone who has ever been in the hospital knows that you are chained to your bed via IV, leg compression tubes, Pain IVs, etc, so going to the bathroom becomes a MAJOR production. Anyway, can I get some cheese with my whine? I'll be happy to go home today where I can move freely. I have been weaned from my high powered morphine drip, so the honeymoon is over. I am only on Norco and am doing fine. Considering how major the surgery seems, it is really not that painful. I am not saying that is a breeze...It is just more pressure than pain. I do feel like someone has parked their car on my chest. I know you are all wondering what they look like...I can not answer that question as I haven't seen them myself. They are bound very tightly in an Ace bandage. They do not look like Pamela Anderson at all so the doctor clearly took my opinions seriously and not Clay's :) Ha ha! I am waiting for the plastic surgeon to discharge me to come home today. I need a shower in the worst way and will be happy to lose the compression stockings and hospital gown that has me mooning the room every time I get up. How cliche!!

Many thanks to:

Everyone who sported pink on Friday - I am tickled pink with all of the pictures.

Lesley, Stephanie, Brooke & Charlie for visiting me in the hospital!

John & Peg Hafner for becoming "Mom & Dad" at home and being with the kids and helping them feel happy at home.

Jim for making time in your fun softball weekend to be with me!

Mom & Dad for being here and being positive and happy and for scratching my back and rubbing my feet!

Heidi Gleason, Lisa Deering, Nancy Graham, Mary Beth Chadwell for running my kids all over town to soccer and Jr pommers, etc. I can't thank you enough!

Everyone who participated in the prayer group at Notre Dame, God must have listened.

Clay, for being with me every step of the way, even wanting to sample all of my pain medicine :)

My Doctors and nurses for taking very good care of me. I am totally impressed with Evanston Hospital - I have called it a hotel several times. Seriously!

And lastly I'd like to thank the Academy, it's just an honor to be nominated, uh oh! There go the drugs again!

In recovery

Talked to Dr. Fenner and he said things went well too, Julie is in recovery and we should be able to see her in an hour or so. Glad to have this day behind us and we have a lot to be thankful for.

lymph nodes are clear

Just talked to Dr. Winchester, first half went well, lymph nodes are clear. He took out 7 on the left side and 1 on the right side and all clear. So great news! Dr. Fenner is working now and should be done in an hour or so.

Thanks for all the thoughts, prayers, and pink wearing....has meant a ton to us.

Clay

Surgery begins....

After a long day of waiting, made much easier by having friends and family at the hospital, Julie went in a little before 4 this afternoon. She should be done in 3-4 hours and we are hoping for an update about the lymph nodes in an hour and a half. Julie was strong and in good spirits all day and when I left her she was grinning from ear to ear which I would like to attribute to my witty sense of humor but it probably had more to do with the valium she was injected with.....she mumbled something like "what's up bitches?" at one point.

More to follow...Clay