Summer update

Hi! Hope you are all enjoying a relaxing and fun summer. Just wanted to share an update with those of you who are wondering what is going on. I went through spring with multiple reconstruction visits to the plastic surgeon for the finishing touches. I had a nipple reconstruction and then when those healed, I had areolas tattooed on. I can finally say I am part of that "elite" club of tattooed people. Hopefully it can get me a discount to the Wisconsin Dells!! Let me just mention that this hurt like hell and was quite a process that I hadn't anticipated. I was released from weekly appointments on June 15th and told to come back in 6 months - Yippeee! So I am enjoying a much need break from doctors appointments and am living in fine chemical balance of tamoxifen and balancing all of the side effects. Life is as close to normal as I am going to get. It's a new normal!
I ran a 5K in June and am scheduled for a mini triathlon and the Urbanathlon in a relay this fall. I am feeling great! My only complaint is the hair. I prayed and prayed for hair and then I got it. It is totally curly and I am sporting a white girl afro - which gets especially poofy after time spent in the pool. These are problems I have never had always having super straight hair!! So life is good if that is my short list of complaints!! Here is a picture of the new 'do. I even have a little curly mullet brewing back there - Hey Billy Ray Cyrus - I'm coming after you!!

That is Clay, Me, Lisa & Adam (Clay's sister & Brother-in Law) before U2 at Soldier Field!

I want to invite you to join me and my family for the Susan G. Komen "Race for the Cure" in Lombard at Yorktown Mall on Sunday, September 25th. It is a wonderful way to kick off Breast Cancer Awareness Month in October. I'd be honored to have you celebrate my one year anniversary with me! There is a walk, a 5K run and even a 10K run. Follow the link and join my team...Treasure Your Chest!

http://www.komenchicago.org/komen-race-for-the-cure/teams/

Call or email me with any questions.

Hope you are enjoying this beautiful summer!

What? There's more?!?!?!

Sorry, I have been a bad blogger as of late. Here is what happening in Round 3 of the cancer fight (Yes round 3, that explains the "what, there's more?") I had no clue what I was in for post surgery and post chemo. I thought I was done. I lost my hair, I lived through chemo and surgery, I thought for sure I was done. I thought I'd be popping a pill daily and things would be super easy. Wrong-o! There have been some challenges that I was completely unaware of. I've been thrown into menopause. At first glance no period sounds like a gift but along with that comes moodiness and hot flashes. Hot flashes are fine but not three of them in the middle of the night disrupting my much loved sleep. I am in phase 1 of anti-hot flash treatment and I'm going au naturel with a high dose of vitamin E and melatonin. Whole Foods is going to love me as I stocked up on a whole arsenal of tricks including black cohosh. You have to be extra careful that what you are putting in your body doesn't change the effectiveness of the tamoxifen. Clay kindly referred to me as a science experiment. Here's hoping that with a few more weeks under my belt my body will adjust to the change and the supplements will help. Also, there is some ridiculous post chemo let down. Who knew? You think you'd be psyched to be done but you are left feeling a little helpless and wondering now what? It's very strange.

I have two more outpatient procedures this spring. If you are squeamish...stop reading now. I will have nipple reconstruction and need to get my tattoos. Yes, I will be able to say that I have 2 tattoos! I am feeling really good physically and I am sure that working out through this whole ordeal has helped enormously. I feel very close to how I felt pre-diagnosis and it's only been 6 months! Life has returned back to normal or the usual Hafner crazy level of normal :)

Looking ahead, please save the date for Sunday, September 25th. That is the Lombard, IL Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. I will be setting up a team and would be thrilled to have you walk along side me as I celebrate my 1 year cancer free anniversary!

Speaking of anniversaries...my friend Mary Youngman just celebrated her 5 year anniversary in November from colon cancer. In celebration of this major accomplishment her relay for life team, The Sun Rays, organized a fashion show fundraiser that celebrated the beauty of life. Mary asked me in December if I'd be willing to model as all models are cancer survivors. I said yes not only because it was a great cause and a fun event but also because Mary has been a huge source of positivity and support to me. There is just nothing better than the wisdom and support a survivor can give to you. Here is a link to the story that was just published in our local paper:

http://www.pioneerlocal.com/evanston/lifestyles/trend/3087400,doings-cancerfashion-030311-s1.article

You'll see in the picture there isn't much hair but it really is growing! I had to color it because it was coming it white. I mean like 80 year old lady white. No offense to any 80 year old ladies but white hair is not attractive on a 38 year old. So I hit the bottle and am back to being a happy brunette! Here is a picture of my nephew (he just turned 16!) and me. I thought we looked like twins but you'll notice he has a boat load of more hair that I do!

So I retired the scarves and moved on to hats and in a few weeks, I'm going to ditch the hats too! Boy will that be nice.

I am mostly retiring from my blog. With little to report, I feel like I've come out on the other side. It has been a journey and the blogging has been incredibly healing for me. I am amazed at the support of friends and love from family. I feel as if I had the strength of you and your prayers holding me up these past few months. Time to catch my breath now and reflect on all of the wonderful things that await me and my family.

I am so proud of you all for doing your self exams and getting your mammograms. Please know that I am always here if you need me. I need to pay it forward big time and will be happy to do so.

Not enough words to share my thanks so please accept my simple "Thank you."

A watch pot never boils...

There is no more patience left...it is agonizingly slow to grow hair. This is something I used to take for granted...no more...I will appreciate every mm that my hair will give me! I have just begun to see the signs of new hair...a little stubble, no doubt, brought on by my expensive hair growing serum and very cheap biotin vitamins. I think I can, I think I can....let's grow some hair.

I started my next round of the cancer fight by taking Tamoxifen. I have almost two weeks under my belt and it has been mostly uneventful. A couple of 3am hot flashes (How did I wake up in an oven?) nothing a good fan can help :) This is it for the next 5 years. Luckily Tamoxifen is cheap and my cancer-fighting war is just $8/month. It's about time I found a deal in all of this business!

I've been so busy being a chemo graduate that I haven't even had time to blog about my life. I think that is a great thing? I have been feeling great and other than the no hair business, life is similar to what is was pre-diagnosis: too much laundry, dishes, homework, meetings, responsibilities and not enough sleep, relaxation, and spa days. Sound familiar?

Bear Down Chicago Bears...While you are sitting in your warm living room cheering, think of my husband who is braving the cold second Sunday in a row down at the lakefront...where he is going to freeze is going to freeze his flippin' ass off!

I will update pics as soon as I get some hair!!

Hope you are still treasuring your chest and doing your self exams each month. Remember things can change quickly and the quicker you address issues, the better off you'll be!! Off the soapbox now.

If anyone is interested I am starting up my annual American Idol pool and will reload my Idol blog. We are total addicts at my house. I am so excited to get the season underway. Shoot me a note/email and I'll make sure to include you in any communications!!

Keep warm!

Fields of Joy

There aren't enough words to describe how I feel being done with my 4th and last chemo treatment. When we left the appointment on Tuesday, I couldn't stop singing Fields of Joy by Lenny Kravitz. Hours later Clay was annoyed when he found himself humming it as well...it's a really good ear-worm!! There were also some major tears of joy involved, as well. I became very "verklempt" saying good-bye to all of my lovely nurses who took such amazing care of me during the last few weeks. The treatment itself went very smoothly and was over quickly.

Clay R.N. administered my last Neulasta shot between ILLINI victories, Football & Basketball!

I have been given a script for Tamoxifen and will be on that for a minimum of 5 years...will start in 2 weeks.

On Monday night Mike Scariano (our college friend) and his two girls Madi & Morgan came for a visit. This proved to be a great distraction for me the night before my last treatment. Mike & Clay celebrated with their old friend Jack Daniels and then next thing you know the head shaver is out, again. Mike, inspired by the photos from the head shavings, felt the inspiration of the moment and shaved down to a #1 along with Clay who needed some touching up! I was touched!

It was a fun night for us and the girls were great head shaver/helpers!! Looking forward to the start of a new year. Bring it on 2011!

Merry Christmas to all...

I hope you enjoyed a Merry Christmas today! I have had little to report as things have been status quo...isn't that a gift in itself. We have been very busy preparing for the big day today and very happy to have Clay return home from his week long work/adventure in Mumbai. We are gearing up for Tuesday for the fourth and final treatment. Hooray! May God bless you and your family in 2011!

Almost there...

Happy to report that third chemo was totally uneventful. Isn't that nice? I will be the lucky recipient of a Clay administered Neulasta shot tomorrow night to help me with my white blood cell count. I was pimping him that he should be called Clay R.N. - Do you remember Greg R.N. from "Meet the Parents" - What a great movie...love the circle of trust! Can't wait to see the next one "Little Fockers" ! This shot is longer lasting than the one I got last time and should keep me from dipping so low which will help prevent infection and I will not need to go in for any blood counts. 21 days and counting until my last treatment...yeah!

I have been as busy as a friggin' bee leading up to this treatment. I think it's a function of me knowing that I am "going down" for a few days. On Friday night I took Grace to Miracle on State St. and we saw Ingrid Michaelson & Maroon 5. I asked Grace to dress me and pick out my scarf...trying to not embarrass her yet I thinking my singing and dancing did just that! What a great show, a fun night and a perfect 1st concert experience for her. I also enjoyed Adam Levine immensely, I'm not usually a "skinny jeans on a guy" type but his voice...it's like buttah!

Another first happened this weekend and the girls got to go to their first Blackhawks game. They were so impressed and engaged. Clay & I loved seeing the birth of Hockey fans. Not that they weren't before, it's just that the United Center experience can really seal the deal! We were a little dismayed by Patrick Kane getting injured but were able to overcome our angst by the 4 goals scored by the Hawks. And to make the night even better the Hafners were on the Jumbo Tron - The kids were so excited and Jane kept asking when we were going to be on the big t.v. again. I was, of course, totally laughing that of all the damn times for me to be on that huge thing is with my red bandana on! At least I was up and dancing and having fun! :)

It is with sharper focus and joy that I hold onto these moments a little longer and treasure them so much. I had my 38th birthday yesterday. Once I had kids, I haven't cared about my birthday so much but this one I cherished. I am happy to be having another one and will welcome any that come my way.

The Season of Thanks

I went for my blood counts this morning and once again they were very low. The nurse consulted with Dr. Sweet who agreed I needed a shot of Nupogen. This is a white blood cell booster and should help me immediately. I will go back on Thursday for another count and possibly another shot. This should keep me on track for my third and fourth treatments. After the next round on 12/7, I may go back into the office for a shot of Neulasta which is a longer lasting type of white cell booster. All of this is to prevent infection which is very hard to overcome when you don't have many white blood cells!

I also got the news from the geneticist that I am not a carrier of the BRAC 1 or 2 gene. This is great news. My breast cancer was a random act of cell division! Yeah, I guess!

I am no longer bald. I have grown lots of little white hairs that resemble peach fuzz. I am just so excited to have something on my head that can create a nice lather in the shower. I am pretty sure this will all fall out again maybe when I start growing real hair after treatment #4!

For the most part I am feeling good. I have 2-3 really tired days after treatment and then I am back to life and being a busy mom!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving last week. Here is a short list of a few things I am thankful for:

*Endorphins. I had my first run last week. I did it! It wasn't all that bad either. I did get to experience a little "runner's high" that I've been missing. It's crazy that the body can totally heal in 8 weeks!

*Massage. I had my first massage, yes I even laid on my stomach. Clay & I celebrated our 13th anniversary on the 29th and went to the Kohler Waters Spa in Burr Ridge and dinner at Topaz. What a perfect way to spend our anniversary!! I loved every second of it. For those locals, The Kohler spa is one of the best spas I've been to!! (Montage, Laguna Beach is #1).

*Zumba. Jen is the perfect antidote to my chemo. I love being there. I have been back for a month and it is awesome. Loved the Cee Lo/Glee song :)

*Laughter. We laughed so freakin' hard at Thanksgiving during our annual 7-11 game. I thought isn't this the medicine there is!!

*Santa's elves: Lisa, Melinda, Jean & Kelly showed up to decorate my house for Christmas on Saturday. Can you even fathom how awesome this was for me. Clay got the decorations down from the attic and these magical elves decorated my whole house, the tree, the outside, brought wreaths, cookies, candy etc. Can't imagine a better gift you could give.

There is so much more to be thankful for but I'm saving up for my post-chemo tear jerker blog!!

Thanks for reading :) Only 25 days until Christmas...

Half way there...

I finished my second round of chemo yesterday and am now half way done. So far so good. I had a little episode during the taxotere drip, which is very common in the first or second treatment. Basically I couldn't breathe and my chest felt tight and my face was red. I mumbled...get..Linda (my nurse) and then started ringing my bell for help. Another nurse saw me first and ran on over. She stopped the taxotere and I took saline for 20 more minutes then the restarted the taxotere and I was fine. What the, what the? That was scary but I felt fine very quickly afterwards. Just when you think you know what to expect - surprise! I will go in 10 days to have my white blood cell count and if needed will be given a shot of neulasta to help build up my white blood cells. I am scheduled to go in on Dec. 7. for my third treatment.

"I am having a No hair day" this is the latest t-shirt Grace wants to buy for me and it couldn't be any more true! So, I was down to a #1 blade on Sunday night looking like a mottled sick cat on Monday. The girls came home from school and I was modeling a beautiful scarf my husband surprised me with. When I took the scarf off, they were pretty grossed out. Grace said, "Mom you need to shave. I'll even do it for you." Isn't that love? Clay was working late and wasn't there to do it so instead of shaving, the girls got the idea to "lint roll" my head. They were taking so much hair off with each roll I knew a shave was in my future. They took turns beautifully and would request a "clean"sheet with the pass of the roller. After about 6-8 sheets of tape, I showered and was literally rubbing the hair off my scalp. With perfect timing, Clay came home and shaved what was left, with no guard on and then got the mach3 blade out and shaved me bald. He comment that not many men get to do this, he is in a small but very respected group of men right now. So totally bald...think it would be sad, freaky, gross? Actually I was so happy to get rid of all the hair, it was hurting, looked terrible and came as a total relief! Bring on the hats & scarves!

I picked Jane up from Kindergarten yesterday and she gets in the car and says "Please don't take your hat off." I told her, "Of course I wouldn't. I would scar so many children, mine included." I intend to have a covered bald head until mid-February when I may be looking like a chia pet! Won't that be exciting! For now it's fun gathering a wardrobe of scarves and bandanas. My hardest situation was for working out. Don't think I want to wear a sweaty scarf so I asked clay about an under armour skull cap like the football players wear. He laughed and asked if I'd be wear breathe-rights too! I got one and it doesn't look so bad underneath a baseball cap but alone it looks like a swim cap. Bet the Zumba girls would love to see me in a swim cap dancing all crazy. So there are my options!

Thanks to all who have been praying, it is helping and I am feeling good and anxious to get to the finish line that will be here quicker than we think!!

Well THAT was short-lived.

You couldn't imagine the changes from Thursday night until Sunday night. My #3 shave was failing me. There was hair everywhere. On my coat, on my shirt, the couch etc. "Master Clipper" Clay took me down to a #1 shave which is what he is sporting. First of all....wow is that short! Second, after my shower I wasn't even a #1 anymore, more like a #.5 scattered with #1 and a little skin. Imagine a globe if you will, Chloe will love this since she was just studying world geography, that is now my head. There are bald spots like the oceans and the patches of hair here and there are the continents. I think I'll quiz the girls tonight :) So it is on! Big time! Time to wear the hats 24/7. I slept in my "sleeping cap" last night and have to say it kept my noggin nice and toasty and also collected a boat load of hair while I slept. More bang for my buck: Sleep cap/hair collector. I am just hoping the paparazzi will not photograph me through the windows because I plan on hanging out at home...bald and proud! Enter at your own risk :)

I got the following from a family friend, thanks Mrs. Bach! I shared it with my girls and they all got a kick out of it and have repeated it to me! I want to share it with you:

Attitude

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror,

and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

'Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my hair today.'

So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror

and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

'H-M-M,' she said, 'I think I'll part my hair down the middle today.'

So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed

that she had only one hair on her head.

'Well,' she said, 'today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.'

So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and

noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

'YAY!' she exclaimed. 'I don't have to fix my hair today!'

Attitude is everything.

Who needs hair anyway?

You'll see the new buzz cut on the slideshow to the right. As predicted with great accuracy, on day 14, I started losing my hair. If I wasn't so utterly fascinated by it, I would have been freaked out. I was able to grab small and large amounts and literally remove them from my head. In fact, I believe I freaked a few people out with my new "party trick". After two days of this and some really gross shower episodes, I knew the shave was imminent! Lucky for me, Clay, my younger brother Jim & Dad all shaved with me. I went first and Clay shaved me to a #3, then he went next and shaved to a #1 and then Jim went bad ass bald. First shaved to the scalp and then with shaving cream a razor! My Dad was so inspired by Jim that my mom shaved him as well! We think he looks like Bryan Cranston from Breaking Bad. This is only a problem if my Dad starts cooking meth in the basement :) I told Jim he needs to play this "shaved to support my sister who has breast cancer" card and pick up some chicks!! It was a really liberating feeling to be freed from hair that was falling out. I explained to the girls that this is a good sign that the medicine is working hard in my body. Quite honestly I'd be worried if it didn't fall out! They seem to have adjusted well and can be found rubbing my head throughout the day! Maybe it'll bring them good luck, like a buddha. I'm scheduled for Round 2 (ding ding) on Tuesday.

Wigs & fun!

I tried on wigs this week. Yes, I did. I have been unsure how I want to handle the hair loss and have hemmed and hawed about actually doing it. I literally pulled into the parking lot on a total whim. I was with my mom and the girls and I thought let's just see what is out there. It is a nice shop with lots of hats, scarves and wigs. I was able to get a consult and the 5 of us piled into a room where a nice lady brought me wigs and tried them on me. There were laughs a plenty and some pretty cute styles and some 70's farrah styles. I bought a sleeping cap (Clay in his 'kercheif and I in my "cap") ha ha! I can't seem to get that out of my head. I guess your head gets cold when there isn't a lot of hair on it so you sleep with this little cap...interesting. I am in limbo a bit and want to be as prepared as possible for the hair coming out. I am at day 10 and anytime between day 14 & 21 or after my 2nd treatment, it's a probability. As soon as it starts coming out, I am going to shave to a #3 and then I'll be making wig decisions. For my college friends, it must seem a no-brainer for me to sport some baseball caps as I wore one for most of my U of I/Kam's career! Maybe that was just foreshadowing :) So I have a lot of caps ready for some action. I have no idea how I will feel when the time does come.

Thursday I went to have my cording massaged away. I was warned that this may be unpleasant and unpleasant it was. I have NEVER experienced pain like this (hello, epidurals!) my goodness, I was gritting my teeth and kicking my feet. Who knew that scar tissue in your armpit could cause such a fuss. I bet skinning me with a razor blade would've been more pleasant. OK, maybe not. The bummer is I can't even tell if it helped because I am so sore today. I was having decent range of motion and now I feel like I took two steps backwards. Boo Hoo, I am bummed and the worst is, I may have to go back for more ancient Chinese torture next week. I may have to Valium up for that trip!!

Had a check in at the Oncologists today and found out that my blood counts are low. While they didn't do anything because I am setting my "baseline", they may give me some medicine to help the white blood cells rebound quicker next time. Hopefully by my next treatment the numbers will be up so I can actually get treatment!

On a final and funny note...I took a bath this week. My back has been hurting. I thought it was just because my implants were heavier than my old ones but I found out I have "Wounded wing syndrome". I am over using my shoulders and arms to protect my chest. This causes tension and pain in the upper back and neck. Anyway, I am soaking in the tub and Chloe comes in and asks, "When are you gonna get your circles put on?" I explained that they were actually called pepperonis and then we both laughed. Then I told her the truth and that sometime after chemo I'd have nipples made and aereolas tattooed on so that I'd look as close to normal as possible. She then said, "Don't get pointy nipples". Good advice Chloe, I will not get pointy nipples!

BOObs

Happy Halloween! My title: "BOObs" is the best I could do wrapping in the holiday and my current situation. Hope it works for you. I laughed, but I laugh at pretty much anything. This morning, we (Grace, Chloe, Jane & I) tried to get Clay to watch iCarly. This is THE only kid's show that does not throw me into fits of rage. Most Disney/Nickelodeon shows are so mundane they literally drive parents crazy! So, iCarly, on more than one occasion, has made me laugh and I don't grab the remote and turn it off immediately. So in our world where "family" means sitting in front of the TV, we gathered to watch iCarly. Mind you, I watched this episode last night and yet here I am laughing out loud and Clay thinks I have gone mad. I really do have the sense of humor of a 12 year old. It was the new episode where Jane Lynch (Sue Sylvester to the Gleeks out there) portrays Sam's mom, Pam. Very funny stuff. It is one of the few shows that I am not squirming in my seat because of inappropriateness. The Office, Glee, Outsourced etc. are just not all that kid friendly and Clay and I are continually "clearing our throats" over the sex talk!!

Entertainment Weekly, I am not so let's talk chemo: I had the first treatment on Tuesday and much to my surprise, I handled it pretty well. My imagination surely got the best of me here. I was so worried and it was for naught! I had little symptoms throughout the week, a headache here, tiredness there, some stomach issues to only further my comedic episodes in the bathroom. Overall though, Chemo was not as big as I had built it up to be. Thanks to Laura who commented on the blog, you really calmed me the day before chemo! Isn't it great that a friend of a friend, can lend her support even though we don't know each other. Thank you!!

I have 2 more weeks until my next round. I'll be creeping in the hair loss zone soon.

Happy Trick-or-Treating to all of the ghosts and goblins and to the moms who steal Milky Ways from their kids when they are not looking.....

1/4 of the way there...1 down, 3 to go!!

I had my first treatment today. I must admit yesterday was harder than today. For those who called and left messages yesterday, sorry I didn't answer or reply. I had a super busy weekend (on purpose) and it got the best of me. We went to the Bears game on Sunday...if it could even be called that and it really kicked the shit out of me. I was so tired and out of sorts on Monday morning and was beaten down by anticipation so I just didn't feel like talking, I know...surprise, surprise! Thank you all for reaching out to me, I could feel the support and that made today all the better! I tolerated all the drugs they gave me and it was so much less dramatic than I anticipated. Thanks to the entertainment chairman, Clay, for providing me with lots of distractions. I had to turn off "The Hangover" that we were watching on Clay's iPad, in fear that we were laughing too loud/too much. I bet the nurses liked that!

I have started a little headache and popped some motrin but feel relatively decent. I am waiting for the other foot to drop as days 2 & 3 are the hardest. I plan on taking it slow, reading and getting caught up on Friday Night Lights which we are 1/2 way through. Love that show!! The girls keep reporting to me on my "green status" Either I am turning into an Ogre or I just started the side effects of chemo.

Love to you all! Snuggle with your babies/spouses/significant others and tell them how much you love them. Right now!!

Cheese fries in paradise

I had two follow-up appointments this week. First we saw Dr. Winchester the breast surgeon on Tuesday. All is good. He was very pleased with the surgery and with the pathology. My biggest complaint for him was that I have this "tendon" coming out of my armpit down towards my elbow, it sticks out, it hurts and it is limiting my range of motion. I, of course, had to scour the internet for answers. I think a lot of jilted, unhappy patients post on the internet and I got scared out of my mind. Readings things like: you'll have this forever, may even need more surgery, pain, pain and more pain. Where are all the happy people? Dr. Winchester explained that it is "cording" and will go away with time. This is where my lymph nodes were taken out and my body is just reacting this way...kind of like scar tissue. Great! I like that answer far better then the others I saw! I will see him in 6 months and then once a year probably for awhile.

Last night we took the whole clan up to Kenilworth for a trip to Homer's and the plastic surgeon's...isn't that what all families do on their outings? First, I will rave about Homer's. Sure the ice cream is delicious, that's a given...let's talk about the less infamous cheese fries. They are "old school" using a Merkt's type cheese that is thick, tangy and delightful (none of this stadium nacho cheese for my fries). Clay & I were reminiscing about Doc J's cheese fries down at U of I!! So, I almost passed on real food and just had the fries. This will, of course, end in more trips to the plastic surgeon's...ha! The appointment was good with Dr. Fenner as well. He took out a majority my stitches and gave me some silicone strips to cover the scars to help healing. He said wearing a bra 24/7 is "really helping" the shaping, I feel like I'm in under wire prison but am willing to do the time!! I asked him about my cording and he recommended a lymphatic massage to loosen it up...love a doctor who writes a prescription for a massage!! Sign me up!

Countdown to chemo...5 days!! Check out the new do...

Tour de Chemo

Wednesday afternoon Clay & I visited the office of Hinsdale Hematology and Oncology. It is 7 minutes from our house and we were overjoyed to be so close! We spent an hour with a very nice nurse who basically walked us through the entire process of chemo and what I will go through at each appointment. The problem is that every person reacts so differently to chemo that everything she said was qualified with a maybe or maybe not. I will just assume "yes" to all of the common questions: tried? sick? hair loss? etc... and be happy if I pass on one from the buffet of side effects! The first treatment is scheduled for Tuesday, October 26th and this will set the baseline for the following three treatments. They want to see how quick I recover and how sick I feel and then will react in the subsequent appointments. This is a good example of I need to put on my "Big girl" panties and suck it up for the first time. Then at the next appointment they can treat me accordingly. I learned a couple of interesting things:

1. I will not need a port. I will do a regular IV since this is considered a short treatment (4 rounds)

2. They inject you anti-nausea medicine before the actual chemo drugs are inserted.

3. Anti-nausea can cause you to be agitated, so they give you ativan, a Valium type drug, to calm you down after treatments. And I was moody before - jeez. Highs and lows, buckle up folks, this will be some ride!

4. Hair loss is coming. I am preparing for this and will be surprised if I keep any of it. You cannot color your hair during chemo...Is there NO justice in the world? So I will be going in for one last color treatment and a shorty haircut this weekend. I guess after it falls out, I'll have no hair left to color anyway. Let's keep our fingers crossed that it comes back with no gray this time :)

Life is moving along and I am healing slowly but surely. I am excited to be driving and off all medications. Sometimes when I am lying down perfectly still, I actually feel normal. It's brief but it brings me a sliver of hope that I will return to my "normal" normal which is still somewhat askew!! I'll post a picture of the new 'do! I am looking forward to a fun weekend with my brother, Bob, who is in visiting this weekend!! Enjoy this beautiful fall weather!

Chemo...all the cool kids are doing it!

Grace & I saw this shirt and she asked if she could get it IF I had to do chemo. Well, we have an answer. Yes, I will do chemo and even better, I'll get the shirt. I am certainly not going to stop the fight now and why would I stop the laughter too. Isn't that a ridiculous message though...peer pressure, defiance, totally irreverent... sounds right up my alley!

The Hafner family took a trip to the city on Thursday . We took the kids out of school a wee bit early for a night of fun...a visit with a Northwestern Oncologist, dinner in the city, playing at Millennium park...I didn't necessarily rank them in order of fun! We met with Dr. Claudia Tellez and she recommended the same exact treatment that our local Dr. in Hinsdale did. To quote my mom, "Why would drive to city to get a diet coke if you can get the same diet coke in Hinsdale?" Exactly. I will stay local and make it easier on myself and my friends and family and will be starting treatments with Dr. Sweet the last week of October. This will be right about when I start to feel good after the mastectomy. Ahh perfect :) I will be on the following regimen: 4 Rounds of "TC" chemo every 3 weeks followed by 5 years of the estrogen blocking pill Tamoxifen. Bring it on...the sooner the better, let's get this shit over with and put behind us. How lucky that I have an easy to diagnose, easy to treat case (knock on wood). I thank my lucky stars everyday for the following:

1. Family, friends, well wishers & prayers

2. Smart people willing to go through all the extra schooling to become doctors/nurses. They are saving my life right now.

3. Researchers who sit behind microscopes day after day learning about the personalities of cancer and working hard to find a cure.

4. No housework, dishes or laundry. So this is what it feels like to be a man. HA, HA! Just a joke Clay...you helped out a lot before this and are doing totally awesome now that it's all up to you!

5. The best time to be going through this is October. Everywhere, everyone rocking the pink! I love it! Especially being downtown Chicago: The" Whatchu Talkin' about Willis" Tower, Trump tower, Blue Cross Building all illuminating pink in the skyline!

Perfect time for a reminder...do your self exams, each month same time and early detection means longer lives!! Have a beautiful weekend!

Oh sweet freedom!

Yes, it's true I've be sprung from the joint...I mean from the drains and I like it! Isn't it funny how sometimes we over analyze things so much. OK, maybe it's just me obsessing over these tubes jump roping out my sides. I was so worked up about the drains and told Clay if they weren't taken out last night, I would be reduced to a puddle of tears. So, we waited for a loooonnnnggg time to get into the room and Dr. Fenner comes in "glances" at the meticulous notes I've taken and goes to the cabinet to get his scissors out to cut the tubes out. What? No argument or need for persuasion? I've had all of my arguments ready and didn't even need them! Thanks for the warning Kim, that was a hugely unpleasant experience but the end result was so nice. Baby steps, my friends, baby steps. Am I still uncomfortable? Yes! Just not as much as before :)

Clay and I did a "two-a-day" on Wednesday and had our first visit with an oncologist plus the follow-up with the plastic surgeon. I was so drained (no pun intended)by the end of the day. I felt like a newborn baby who was just plain overstimulated and couldn't settle down. I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me. Anyway, sleep obviously came and went and now I face a new day and another oncology appointment. The end result of the first meeting is chemo is on the menu for me. When you start looking at percentages of your survival rate, I know I am most comfortable with the smallest number possible. I will get second and maybe even a third opinion on this yet, I am pretty convinced that this is Cancer 101 and my Doctor said like this was a textbook, uncomplicated situation...and thank God for that.

I was thrown, by what Clay calls an "non-issue", that my grade of tumor was upgraded from a 1 to a 2 Grade. I think it was upgraded after surgery and for some reason this news really bothered me. I am still Stage 1 but now a grade 2. I researched a bit and found this info on tumor staging. I'm guessing that it was based on my tumor size 1.8cm. I'll ask for some clarification on that.

http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/path_report/the_cancer/grade.jsp

On a ligher note- Here is an example of life with Julie & Clay at an oncologist appointment:

Dr. Sweet is about to draw a diagram explaining estrogen-receptors and asks us, "Have you ever had chemistry?"

Clay responds, "Yes, many years ago"

I am puzzled/pissed and ask, "What are you talking about? Many years ago. What?"

I thought he was asking about "physical chemistry", you know, between Clay & I and I'm rather peeved that Clay said yeah, many years ago! I look like a huge dork. Which makes us all laugh. Of course he means "Chemistry" as in the class that I barely passed because I was down in the cafeteria eating chocolate long johns!

Unless something major changes, I'll probably be starting chemo a month after surgery- basically in two weeks. Time to get my G.I. Jane haircut in preparation for the battle of my life! (Not too dramatic, huh?)

Life on the horizon

It's kind of like the first buds of spring...you see them and excitedly know that so much good is ahead. I had a few of these "first bud" moments over the weekend.

1. I took my first shower. Alone. Granted I didn't do my hair, I went for a wash & blow dry at my salon (Hello luxury!) but it was just me and my music. In typical Julie fashion, I ran the hot water then went into the closet to change out of my jammies and forgot, of course, that there are drains safety pinned to them. As I untangle this mess, I grab the drains in my hand and book it into the shower. On the way though my drain tubing caught on the doorknob of the bathroom causing me to jerk backwards in pure physical comedy bit. Why? Why is it that even alone I can crack myself up and do some of the most ridiculous things. I guess that's just who I am. I ended up saying prayers of thanks because what am I going to do if this drain that is stitched in to me gets ripped out? I've got enough on my plate right now, thanks though!

2. I went out. Yes, of my house, with clothes on. Big news. I've enjoyed watching the surprise when people see me out and about. They must think I'm nuts. I guess the image people have of someone post-op from a double mastectomy is not this. I'd think the same way, you think laid up, nurses on staff, haze of pain meds and all that. Instead you resume normal activity pretty quickly. I believe that the pajama wearing, laying around bit gets old and stale and almost plays upon itself to being miserable. I'm out and distracted and just hoping my drains don't fall out of my hoodie. I even watched a jr.pommers performance Friday and 3 soccer games Saturday morning. That's a feat even in the best of health. Sadly though, I was unable to attend my friends, Dave & Stacy's, wedding in Tucson, AZ this weekend. I thought of them often and of my high school friends kickin' it old school on the dance floor. But I certainly would've have a drain malfunction had I participated in that. It wasn't meant to be!

3. Food. I love it and it has been an oddly absent from my life the past few weeks. It may have been the stress and, if not that, the vicodin that really wiped out the appetite. It was so different for me. I love to eat and not wanting to eat anything was very foreign to me. But I am back and although I can't reach the treats now, I have goals for the future.

4. How bout the NFL rockin the pink all month long. I just teared up at the "Crucial catch" introduction of the Bears/Giants game. Early detection and more birthdays. Yeah, that means more cake :)

Once again, I am truly blessed to have this wonderful support team behind me. My mother passed the baton on Thursday to Clay's mom, Peg, who left today. These two super Grandmas have managed my household, kids, homework, meals & no small feat...the laundry. My dad even picked up the dog poop, without being asked. In a house with two large labs, that's huge!! "It takes a village" only scratches the surface. I'll give you an update after the plastic surgeon's follow-up on Wednesday...praying hard the drains come out and maybe I can start driving again.

The pendulum has swung...

I was a little down yesterday but found that a good night sleep can make all the difference in your outlook. We saw Dr. Fenner last night for the follow-up appointment. It is always a relief to hear that things are progressing well and for 5 days post-op I looked good. Glad he noticed because I showered and was wearing real clothes (almost). I opted for the sweat suit only after my mother was trying to button up my button-fly my cute jean capris. She said, "Don't you have some sweats, wouldn't that just be easier?" Mother knows best!! I was happy to be showered, semi blow dried and even put on a little eyeliner. Wow! We've come a long way baby! So we visit with the doctor and he recommends that I move right into a shaping under wire bra. Great reason for us to run right out to buy a new one. Here is the funny thing...he says "Don't buy and expensive one, most women like the brands Natori and Chantelle." We get to VonMaur and they don't carry Natori but have some $75-$90 Chantelle bras. Don't spend a lot?? Really? Obviously I'm not his normal client. We opted for "The Awareness Bra" by Wacoal and it is pretty and comfortable and is shaping these ladies just fine. For some reason, it may be that I haven't had vicodin in awhile but I am feeling really good. Dr. Fenner said you'd be surprised how much advil or motrin will help and advised to get off the vicodin if I didn't like it. So, I had a great night of sleep and got up and dressed and am living by doctor's order to proceed with life as normal! While I can't workout yet, I am able to walk. So it's just same old Julie, just running at 75%. Yeah! The other day my ringer was off on my cell phone and the next day I had 7 messages and 8 texts. Sorry, if you've called and I haven't gotten back to you. There are so many emails, calls, texts etc. and it would be a full time job managing all of it. I am chipping away at the list slowly but surely but please know your prayers are felt, the love & support is endless and I appreciate each and every one of your good thoughts.

Mood swings

More good news arrived this morning. The secondary pathology came back and the lymph nodes are really negative. Also, as we already knew, they verified there was infiltrating cancer in the left breast and nothing found in the right breast. This is good news and while I should be up dancing on the ceiling, my inner Lionel Richie feels like ground level today. I'm sure this news would seem like I was finished. My fight with cancer is over now that I've had a bi-lateral mastectomy and it hasn't traveled. But the truth of the matter is there are more steps ahead of me, I just don't know what they are at this point. Clay & I will be interviewing several oncologists in the next few weeks and hearing their "opinions." I think that if a Doctor gave me the "Your done" speech, I would run. I am not satisfied that this fight is over. We will pick a doctor that we are comfortable with and will guide us to our end goal: cancer-free longevity.

Here comes the mood swing...and I was warned of this (Thank you Jack)! Since diagnosis I have been keyed up, fighting all the way, hustling appointments, eager to erase this cancer from my body. Now, I sit 5 days post-op and it's gone. Should be flying high yet now I am more freaked about the cancer than ever. When it was in me, I just wanted it out. Now that is gone, I wonder how in the world did it get there and how am I going to make sure it doesn't come back? These are the fruitless questions that I ask when I am laying WIDE awake at 5:00am and sick and tired of sleeping like a queen propped at a 45 degree angle. I just want to roll over, or sleep on my stomach. Quite frankly if these drains weren't stitched into me, I'd be tempted (I won't do it) to rip them out. The fact of the matter is, I've got another week or two of these drains. I am just not a patient, patient! I need to get some sleeping pills. I am weening off the vicodin and am thinking sleeping pills would help my situation greatly. I am meeting with them tonight to discuss...Hopefully I don't across like Heath Ledger or Corey Haim, "I just need more drugs"...I promise I won't mix them. I am too prude for that! I'm not looking for a high, I just want some sleep. Mood swings, they are all over this place and brought on by shitty sleep.

Let's talk about something funny. I hadn't had a shadoobie in 6 days, this is a dire situation that most people post-op and on vicodin experience. I am typically as regular as the mail (I'm sure you really wanted to know that) but good Lord, six days?!?!? This is not what I signed up for. With the help of lots of laxatives, prunes and prune juice. The train left the station and I was once again victorious! Hark, those angels were singing!

Lots of people are asking about the girls, not the new ones, the ones I birthed. They are all doing well. There was a little post-op let down for them too. I think Jane, was very happy to have me home but also very happy to be coloring or doing a puzzle. She has some control issue with my mom in the morning over what she's wearing but mostly she's still happy-go-lucky-Jane. Chloe is my cuddle-bug and she'd crawl back in, if I'd let her. She just wants to be close and holding my hand or helping me in any way. Grace, while she is the oldest, is the the most sensitive. She lets the younger two fuss & fight over me and she hangs back. Maybe it's because there is a grandma here that she likes that one-on-one attention from her and realizes she doesn't have to fight for it. I know how sensitive Grace is and we all got a laugh out of her trip to the school nurse on Monday. She had "the sniffles" and wanted to come home. Of course we all knew she just wanted to come home because I was back from the hospital. She's so predictable!! Anyway, The kids are fine and dealing with this as to be expected. Highs and lows and everything in between. Clay & I marvel at what a lesson in compassion and giving they are being taught right now. It's a funny perspective from their eyes, They think this is great...meals, desserts, gifts, books, sounds like a party to a kid! I hope to keep that illusion going as long as I can for them!!